So What’s Next on My Near Empty Plate?

After two and a half years where the main driving force in my life was completing my physical transition, fueled by my gender dysphoria of not having my external sexual organs reflect my internal gender self identity, I have suddenly come to a screeching halt.

Some of my lack of enthusiasm is because of the hormone imbalance which I spoke about before. Some of it also has to do with the changeable weather here in Santa Fe at this time of year where one day it can be bright and sunny with temperatures in the 70’s to the next overcast and gray when I have to turn my furnace back on and wear a winter coat outside and sometimes inside as well.

The last and most important motivator or lack thereof is that I can’t even pay my monthly bills and eat without having to resort to using a credit card mostly for food, gasoline and medical co-payments which only compounds my debt so that I often only leave the house in my car to go grocery shopping, see my therapist and a few other things because I can’t afford to do much else.  At least won’t have to pay back anything for my Awesome Adventure which was covered by my posthumous lump sum payment from my late beloved’s pension about which neither of us were aware. I still have my Embodydance Community‘s sacred dance space and practice where I can volunteer to get a free dance or two and to which I can partake on both Sunday afternoons and Thursday evenings, if I don’t have somewhere else to be and where I can just be a girl dancing like no one is watching and not have to worry about just about anything else for a couple of hours.

One thing I have always had going for me was being able to see the gift in any adversity if I was patient enough to allow the gift to reveal itself to me at the perfect moment.  I mean, I spent the better part of first half of 2013 in tears wondering if I would ever be able to have what I wanted most which I don’t need to tell you if you have been paying attention. I realized finally in that case that I needed to commit myself fully to the task by scheduling the surgery, paying a deposit and making the necessary travel arrangements. What sustained my resolve after that, was an undying belief that my fondest wish was already a “done deal.”

So here I am, waiting and wondering how I will be able to ever top what I was able to accomplish in just two and a half years.  In that scenario, it was do or die trying. Now I need to set a course toward the next big accomplishment without that same level of commitment as I had going forward with my transition.  I am the woman I always thought I should have been, that is undeniable and I have a twice daily reminder when I must take time to care for my new “asset.”  I do have a strong desire to be swept off my feet by a man without any long term commitment, although being ambisexual I wouldn’t discount a woman to fulfill that life-long fantasy either.

Deanna Joy

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About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
This entry was posted in New Horizons, Possibilities and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to So What’s Next on My Near Empty Plate?

  1. pasupatidasi says:

    so what clinic in thailand did you go to?…it was thailand, was it not?

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