Let the Healing Finally Begin

As I prepare to begin a new calendar year in my life, I am also about to enter my sixth year living authentically as a woman in mind, heart and body.   It’s sometimes hard to believe that a full traverse around our stellar neighbor and then some has transpired since my former housemate and friend moved out to live on her own once again.  (See A Week of Absolute Miracles)  

Since she moved out over a year ago, I have tried a score of strategies to obtain some serenity in healing the wound of our year long estrangement along with dying hopes for a possible reconciliation. I seem to have not been entirely willing to surrender my constant obsession over her reluctance to allow any further attempts at communication.  This has kept me stuck with a festering wound which possibly can be traced back to unresolved issues around rejection and exclusion because I was so different from my cisgender peers. It has been a roller coaster ride of emotions; up, then down, then up, then down again, all on a daily and sometimes hourly basis.  It has certainly been about living the past year one day at a time . 

While my wound has slowly been transforming into my healing, it is only when I’ve been socializing with other women as one of the girls, having coffee dates with a new girl pal or getting our nails done together,  that my wound gets a fresh bandage to help with this long healing process.

This morning I was up and dressed by 4:30 am so I could drive to my spiritual home, the Santa Fe Center for Spiritual Living to participate for the second time in the World Healing Day Peace Meditation, now in it’s 30th year.  After a hour in silent meditation, punctuated every 10 minutes with a reading, as there were no menfolk among us, most of us women went for breakfast together at our local IHOP.

I began in earnest this past November to cultivate some deeper connections with women by inviting them out for coffee to chat and enjoy each other’s company.  Meanwhile, other opportunities such as being invited out for breakfast or lunch, have been manifesting with greater regularity.

My newfound ability to make friends after a lifetime of rejection and exclusion has now become the beginning of my healing from a friendship I fantasized when my housemate moved in, that of having a sister to help guide me into integrating myself into the world of women as a woman.  Unfortunately our arrival into each other’s lives came when we were both extremely vulnerable to our past wounds. 

Over the course of 27 months of cohabitation,  our old wounds seem to have resurfaced through our interactions with each other. I had, in my rather steep learning curve in socialization as a woman, put her on a pedestal as a big sister and made her the one face of what the first and only girl friendship I had, was supposed to look like. In a sense, I had made her my higher power to my happiness.

So my wounds now have become the source of my healing and recovery from a lifetime of loneliness, even when I was married to my late dearly beloved wife for half a lifetime.  My secret fantasy life as a woman had once again taken over my life with my partner after only two years as a married man.

We may yet reconcile our estrangement and reconnect in some fashion after a time.  For the meantime I must act as if it will never come to pass so that I can move forward in my life as the courageous, creative and capable woman that  I am through my process of transition to be the woman I had so longed to be.  After being released from that transgender prison for over six decades I now enter my sixth year living the life for which I could once only dream.

Namasté

Deanna Joy Hallmark

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Until One is Committed

This is from a Facebook post I posted 2 years ago today, December 30, 2014.
 
I am practiced in setting intentions with no idea how they will be accomplished. It requires raising my level of consciousness to put the challenge into my higher power’s hands, to which I call God, and let God’s will be done. W. H. Murray, a member of a 1951 Himalaya Expedition said this:
 
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way. I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe’s couplets: 
‘Whatever you can do or dream you can begin it.
  Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.”
-end of original post-
 
This quotation was my inspiration to commit myself to going to Thailand as I had researched and planned in order to complete my physical transition. I set a date for surgery with Preecha Aesthetic Institute 7 months away, booked my flights and made a deposit, all the while clueless how or from where the resources would manifest. Yet it did manifest from an unexpected source within two months with enough money to spare.
 
Now I am faced with a challenge of the heart that seems like child’s play compared to my transition process. However, I do not yet have the same level of willingness as before to put this challenge into God’s hands, that his will be done!
I shall pray that I will not allow myself to usurp God’s will being done!
Deanna Joy Hallmark
Posted in Gratitude, Providence, The Road to Bangkok | 2 Comments

Happy 5th Birthday and the Transgender Bodhisattva

Yesterday, November 27, 2016  marked my 5th anniversary of coming out to the world and beginning my life as Deanna.  soon after I would start this blog under the name, “I Am Deanna.”

I went to the place where it all began, Embodydance Santa Fe, where I publicly came out to this loving community of dancers after having had a mystical experience at 3 am that morning when my whole body convulsed multiple times. I knew in my heart that I could never go back to pretending to be the man known as David.  I stood up in the closing circle and declared to all who were there that “I can no longer live or be seen as a man.”

Before the dance, I created an altar commemorating this special day as shown below. altar-3In the center is two pictures, the one on the left was taken on December 15, 2011 and on the right, taken on my webcam at home before I went.  In the center is a statue of Quan Yin, the the bodhisattva of infinite compassion. The elephant statues represent my traveling to Bangkok, Thailand to have my surgery, thus completing my full transition to the woman I am today. 

Kwan Yin originated in India as a male deity and was brought to China in that form. Ancient representations of Kwan Yin often include a pencil-thin mustache and a small goatee. But because compassion and mercy were categorized as “feminine” virtues, portrayals of Kwan Yin got progressively effeminate over time as artists tried to capture that essence in their work. During the Song Dynasty (about 1000-1200 C.E.), Chinese artists just threw in the towel completely and turned Kwan Yin into a woman.

So begins my sixth year as the woman I always thought I should have been!

Deanna Joy Hallmark

 

 

Posted in Transgender | 2 Comments

In Grateful Thanks I Pray

As much as I was disappointed by yesterday’s Presidential election, I stand with the conviction that all is as it should be. To sow fear and anger for those who do not share my values or beliefs is counterproductive to the raising of the consciousness of the planet.
I now accept and know that the spirit of the one life of God that is my life now is directing the minds and hearts of our elected leaders and all those in service to our country as it directs me to give grateful thanks to be a citizen of the United States of America and of the world. I release my word into the law of LOVE!
And so it is!

Deanna Joy Hallmark

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When Selfishness Becomes Surrender

when-selfishness-become-surrender-no-date

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The Edge of the Abyss

the-edge-60-edit

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Musings in my Garden

A praying mantis inches it’s way up
my pink stucco wall
It seeks no destination
For only we seek happiness
When happiness is in the journey itself.

Sitting in front of the fire pit
I dug for us to kindle our new friendship
Today I dig it deeper still
to rekindle memories of happy times
instead of all the sorrow.

Deanna Joy 8-27-16

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My GOD Box

I have a beautiful little box, a recent birthday gift from a loving friend, which I call my GOD box. I keep it in a special place and when I have something or someone to which or to whom I am unwilling to surrender my will, I write it on a little piece of paper and put it in the box, thus surrendering it over to GOD’s will to be done. From then on, I never take it out!

Deanna Joy

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Transgender girl helps to create center for trans people near Westboro Baptist Church | Daily Mail Online:

I got this via Moore’s Closet. Thanks Kira for sharing it.Trans house in  Westboro 

Transgender girl helps to create center for trans people near Westboro Baptist Church    | Daily Mail Online:

Deanna Joy

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I’m Trans, I’m Proud, Get Over It

Here I am in the 2016 Santa Fe Pride Parade!

2016 Santa Fe Pride

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