Living Life Showing Up As My True Self

It’s been quite awhile since I last posted here. Living life as a woman has not only opened up a new world for me, it has profoundly changed my view of reality, that is, how I see the world through a woman’s eyes, how I hear the world in a woman’s ears, how I feel emotionally or think mentally and how the world always seems to see me as a “ma’am” rather than a “sir!

There are times when I have regrets for not transitioning much younger when HRT would have a more profound affect on my secondary feminine sexual characteristics. I also have some regrets experiencing such things as the coming of age as a girl or for not having all the curves that a typical cis woman has. I do get a kick sharing with other women about “putting my tits in a vice” as I like to describe having my annual mammogram knowing that women understand without having to explain what I mean.

I participated once in a game I would describe as “Sitting in the Hot Seat” to which all of us participating took our turn. We each began by telling our story and naturally I spoke about having transitioned from male to female. One of the questions asked of me was “Do I still feel in any way as the man I used to be?” My answer to the question was “Not in the slightest” or something to that effect. One of the rules was that we would tell only the truth to the questions asked and in my mind I wondered if my answer was really the truth of how I felt. If it hadn’t been for the fact that I have a vagina, I might possibly have answered differently to the question.

There have been quite a number of times that I dreamed that I still had male genitalia which to me is a sheer nightmare. When I awake from those dreams, I breathe a sigh of relief and the dream quickly fades away as if I never dreamed it at all. Those nightmares only serve to reinforce that now I am both legally and medically a “sterile female” as is described by my surgeon in a letter I took home with me to be able to update my passport from a two year passport to the full ten years afforded to any US citizen who applied for one. The letter could also be used to update my birth certificate with my new name and gender if I chose to do so,but so far, I haven’ gone through the process. Even if I did, it would only be for my own aggrandizement.

Speaking of birth certificates, there have been attempts by state legislators from states like Tennessee and Arizona to enact legislation that would require a person to use only the public restroom which reflected the gender on their birth certificate. Nothing could be more laughable than imagining the “public restroom police” standing at the door of a public restroom to check birth certificates that no legislation has ever been enacted to require a US citizen to carry on their person when they go out in public

Deanna Joy Hallmark

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I am not here to change the World

For awhile now, I stopped watching local and national broadcast news and reading newspapers except maybe editorials, my favorite editorialist being Rachel Maddow, who I don’t even regularly follow. I only learn anew about what’s happening by happenstance while online or when mentioned by someone I know who is personally affected by a situation, whether directly or otherwise. It’s not that I’m apathetic to what’s going on in the world, I just know I can do only so much to change things going on around me both near and afar and if I can’t do something about it personally, I never feel guilt or shame that I wasn’t able to do something to change the situation. I live by the motto that I’ve read or heard countless times since my hippie days which states “Think Globally Act Locally.” I also live my life by the Serenity Prayer which I pray daily and which states

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference!

Deanna Joy Hallmark, emphasis on Joy!

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Until One is Committed

This is from a Facebook post I posted 2 years ago today, December 30, 2014.
I am practiced in setting intentions with no idea how they will be accomplished. It requires raising my level of consciousness to put the challenge into my higher power’s hands, to which I call God, and let God’s will be done. W. H. Murray, a member of a 1951 Himalaya Expedition said this:
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way. I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe’s couplets: 
‘Whatever you can do or dream you can begin it.
  Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.”
-end of original post-
This quotation was my inspiration to commit myself to going to Thailand as I had researched and planned in order to complete my physical transition. I set a date for surgery with Preecha Aesthetic Institute 7 months away, booked my flights and made a deposit, all the while clueless how or from where the resources would manifest. Yet it did manifest from an unexpected source within two months with enough money to spare.
Now I am faced with a challenge of the heart that seems like child’s play compared to my transition process. However, I do not yet have the same level of willingness as before to put this challenge into God’s hands, that his will be done!
I shall pray that I will not allow myself to usurp God’s will being done!
Deanna Joy Hallmark
Posted in Gratitude, Providence, The Road to Bangkok | 2 Comments

Happy 5th Birthday and the Transgender Bodhisattva

Yesterday, November 27, 2016  marked my 5th anniversary of coming out to the world and beginning my life as Deanna.  soon after I would start this blog under the name, “I Am Deanna.”

I went to the place where it all began, Embodydance Santa Fe, where I publicly came out to this loving community of dancers after having had a mystical experience at 3 am that morning when my whole body convulsed multiple times. I knew in my heart that I could never go back to pretending to be the man known as David.  I stood up in the closing circle and declared to all who were there that “I can no longer live or be seen as a man.”

Before the dance, I created an altar commemorating this special day as shown below. altar-3In the center is two pictures, the one on the left was taken on December 15, 2011 and on the right, taken on my webcam at home before I went.  In the center is a statue of Quan Yin, the the bodhisattva of infinite compassion. The elephant statues represent my traveling to Bangkok, Thailand to have my surgery, thus completing my full transition to the woman I am today. 

Kwan Yin originated in India as a male deity and was brought to China in that form. Ancient representations of Kwan Yin often include a pencil-thin mustache and a small goatee. But because compassion and mercy were categorized as “feminine” virtues, portrayals of Kwan Yin got progressively effeminate over time as artists tried to capture that essence in their work. During the Song Dynasty (about 1000-1200 C.E.), Chinese artists just threw in the towel completely and turned Kwan Yin into a woman.

So begins my sixth year as the woman I always thought I should have been!

Deanna Joy Hallmark



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In Grateful Thanks I Pray

As much as I was disappointed by yesterday’s Presidential election, I stand with the conviction that all is as it should be. To sow fear and anger for those who do not share my values or beliefs is counterproductive to the raising of the consciousness of the planet.
I now accept and know that the spirit of the one life of God that is my life now is directing the minds and hearts of our elected leaders and all those in service to our country as it directs me to give grateful thanks to be a citizen of the United States of America and of the world. I release my word into the law of LOVE!
And so it is!

Deanna Joy Hallmark

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When Selfishness Becomes Surrender


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The Edge of the Abyss


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Musings in my Garden

A praying mantis inches it’s way up
my pink stucco wall
It seeks no destination
For only we seek happiness
When happiness is in the journey itself.

Sitting in front of the fire pit
I dug for us to kindle our new friendship
Today I dig it deeper still
to rekindle memories of happy times
instead of all the sorrow.

Deanna Joy 8-27-16

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My GOD Box

I have a beautiful little box, a recent birthday gift from a loving friend, which I call my GOD box. I keep it in a special place and when I have something or someone to which or to whom I am unwilling to surrender my will, I write it on a little piece of paper and put it in the box, thus surrendering it over to GOD’s will to be done. From then on, I never take it out!

Deanna Joy

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Transgender girl helps to create center for trans people near Westboro Baptist Church | Daily Mail Online:

I got this via Moore’s Closet. Thanks Kira for sharing it.Trans house in  Westboro 

Transgender girl helps to create center for trans people near Westboro Baptist Church    | Daily Mail Online:

Deanna Joy

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