Living Life Showing Up As My True Self

It’s been quite awhile since I last posted here. Living life as a woman has not only opened up a new world for me, it has profoundly changed my view of reality, that is, how I see the world through a woman’s eyes, how I hear the world in a woman’s ears, how I feel emotionally or think mentally and how the world always seems to see me as a “ma’am” rather than a “sir!

There are times when I have regrets for not transitioning much younger when HRT would have a more profound affect on my secondary feminine sexual characteristics. I also have some regrets experiencing such things as the coming of age as a girl or for not having all the curves that a typical cis woman has. I do get a kick sharing with other women about “putting my tits in a vice” as I like to describe having my annual mammogram knowing that women understand without having to explain what I mean.

I participated once in a game I would describe as “Sitting in the Hot Seat” to which all of us participating took our turn. We each began by telling our story and naturally I spoke about having transitioned from male to female. One of the questions asked of me was “Do I still feel in any way as the man I used to be?” My answer to the question was “Not in the slightest” or something to that effect. One of the rules was that we would tell only the truth to the questions asked and in my mind I wondered if my answer was really the truth of how I felt. If it hadn’t been for the fact that I have a vagina, I might possibly have answered differently to the question.

There have been quite a number of times that I dreamed that I still had male genitalia which to me is a sheer nightmare. When I awake from those dreams, I breathe a sigh of relief and the dream quickly fades away as if I never dreamed it at all. Those nightmares only serve to reinforce that now I am both legally and medically a “sterile female” as is described by my surgeon in a letter I took home with me to be able to update my passport from a two year passport to the full ten years afforded to any US citizen who applied for one. The letter could also be used to update my birth certificate with my new name and gender if I chose to do so,but so far, I haven’ gone through the process. Even if I did, it would only be for my own aggrandizement.

Speaking of birth certificates, there have been attempts by state legislators from states like Tennessee and Arizona to enact legislation that would require a person to use only the public restroom which reflected the gender on their birth certificate. Nothing could be more laughable than imagining the “public restroom police” standing at the door of a public restroom to check birth certificates that no legislation has ever been enacted to require a US citizen to carry on their person when they go out in public

Deanna Joy Hallmark

About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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