A Case of Mistaken Identity

I was thinking this evening back to when my late beloved partner became pregnant with our son.  Because she was 36 years of age, the risk of fetal abnormalities were higher than if she had become pregnant at a younger age.  Our obstetrician recommended an amniocentesis to screen for  any developmental abnormalities.  As  a side benefit of this procedure, the sex of our child could become known to us if we chose.

I was in a community college training to become a business computer programmer and had a conversation with a female student about whether I would prefer a daughter or a son.  For some unknown reason at that time, I expressed a preference for a daughter.  When the results of the procedure came in, it would reveal that we would be having a son.  I was disappointed to say the least and my beloved would try to console me by suggesting that I would be able to teach him to catch and bat and all the other typical boy activities.  I gave her a slight smile but inside I was not consoled as much as I tried to “man-up,” as it were.

That “unknown” reason seems much clearer in retrospect which I suspect had a lot to do with my conflicted feeling of being a son instead of a daughter myself.  Possibly I believed  I would be able to live vicariously as a girl through my daugther.

Life is certainly full of ironies, isn’t it?

Deanna Joy Hallmark

 

 

 

 

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About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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