My First Post-Op Christmas

This Christmas holiday is the first since I completed my physical transition last February.  It is a Christmas I will spend with friends and this year with family.  My son is in town from California and will spend Christmas Eve as well as Christmas Day with me and for that I am most grateful.  Yet, it is a holiday filled with mixed emotions not much different than those that many share this time of year.

Only four Christmases ago my beloved wife of almost 30 years entered the hospital 10 days before where she would first have surgery for a brain tumor and just a week later diagnosed with stage 4 Colorectal Cancer, the start of a battle which she would lose 20 months later.  One year later we would observe Christmas apart and it would be the second Christmas without a tree or all the other trappings of the season.  On the other hand it would be my first holiday just a little less than a month after my coming out to begin my transition.

Christmas 2012 was a very lonely one as my beloved had now had made a transition of her own and I was approaching the end of my first year in transition, having by that time nearly satisfied all of the prerequisites for surgery, save one.  I had lived full-time as a woman, been on HRT for nearly a year and was 6 months into a therapeutic relationship with a therapist who specialized in gender-related issues.  The only thing I needed was $16000 to travel to Thailand to have  the surgery, the last but certainly not the least of my challenges, one that only a few like me would ever be able to hurdle.

Christmas 2013 was an exciting time but far less exciting to the fact that I was less than two months away from the day I would wake up in a Bangkok hospital to the absence of something I detested so much, a feeling shared with but a very small portion  of humanity and that few could ever possibly understand.  At this moment, I still doubt that there could possibly be anything that could ever top that glorious day.

I certainly do hope I’m wrong about that!

Deanna Joy



About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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