As I begin my fourth year since I came out and began my transition, now complete, it has become harder to remember how it once felt living trapped in a male body with which I no longer identified. All the pain and anguish I once felt is over now, thank Goddess.
This holiday season shall be my inauguration into a post-op life that only four years ago I could never have imagined was possible. My late beloved was spending that Christmas in the hospital, recovering from the removal of a tumor in her brain and I was becoming less and less mobile from which I would learn six months later was due to having practically no cartilage in my hip joints.
I really thought then that my life was over as I had known it. I was right but not in the way I visualized it. A month before that, our son had moved away to California to begin his life as an autonomous adult and at the time I mourned the loss of his departure from his boyhood home, to which he can ever return. I did not even know at the time that my beloved and I would become low-income disabled Senior citizens literally over night and begin the new year of 2011 having to seek food and other financial assistance in order to live.
In early January, my beloved and I went to a local Senior Center to register and receive special ID cards in order to benefit from services offered for seniors, not the least was van service from home to doctor’s appointments, shopping, etc. After that we went to the cafeteria to enjoy a free lunch that was provided daily for Seniors at the Center
I wasn’t quite ready to become a Senior Citizen quite yet. It had been hard enough to become an empty nester, much less low income Seniors. My beloved already had begun to accept her condition and I was following deeper and deeper into a dungeon which I believed then was a life sentence from which there was no escape.
As I have spoken before in other posts, in February, my beloved requested that I move out for what I thought would be temporary . The date of my departure ironically was our 30th anniversary which we celebrated by having lunch at the Center, our second visit and for me the last.
I had my hip surgery that summer of which I won’t get into details about how that came about. My recovery into Autumn would be about the emergence of Deanna which came to a resolution on November 27, 2011 . I have marked that date as Deanna’s Birthday and from that day forward I would begin the journey which in itself, was a rebirth.
This past summer (2014) on the Santa Fe Plaza while listening to a Country and Western singer singing, I had a revelation that I now am released from my 62 years incarcerated in a prison to which I had been given a life-sentence for a crime I did not commit, unless it’s a crime for being born transgender.. Now having been released from that dark dungeon of despair, I have very much for which to be thankful without measure. As I listened to her song about despair from a love lost, my thoughts drifted away toward thoughts of those people who had been released from prisons to which they were sentenced for crimes they did not commit, sometimes years or even decades after their trial and incarceration.
The time before three years ago when I began this journey, is nothing more to me now than a nightmare from which I have awakened. It is no more real than any story or history written by human minds and fingers. It is no more real than our concept of time itself.
I am free and I am awakened, there is no turning back. Then again, there is no “back” to which to return.