I Refused to Grow Up to Putting On My Big Girl Panties

I came to a very startling revelation this evening which I believe, has it’s roots in being born transgender and has been running my life until I “took the bull by the horns” and chose to finally come out to begin my transition from a boy who refused to grow up to a fully grown up adult woman.

This may not come as a surprise to anyone else but me, but I believe that the reason I could never make it in a man’s world is because I have struggled hard to remain as the boy who refused to grow up and take full responsibility for my life. There is a name for this syndrome despite the fact it is not recognized clinically as a mental disorder. Can you guess the name of it? Without waiting for an answer I will go ahead and tell you that it is called “The Peter Pan Syndrome.”

What might you say as how this has anything to do with being born transgender?  Well I’ll tell you.  How this relates to being born transgender was that I always had a sense that somehow, I was born as the butt of a very cruel joke.  The joke, of course, is that I was assigned the gender male at birth because I  was born with a penis instead of a vulva and to my earliest and best recollection, I always believed I should have been a daughter rather than the third son in a family with four siblings, the fourth and last being the girl in the family. I further believed that my younger sister would never have been conceived and born, had I been born a girl. I have lived with self-hatred and anger all my life because not only did I believe I should have been a girl, I was forced to be a boy and later a man while I was neither in my heart and soul. This inner conflict and the self-hatred that grew from this conflict has now finally been resolved and I feel that for the first time in my life that I have finally been able to grow up and take my place as an adult in a world where there are no guarantees or rules of what is normal and what is not and that I am totally responsible for co-creating my own reality, as it appears to me from my unique point of view.  I have admitted to my  lifelong refusal to grow up like Peter Pan and now I am able to handle any adversity thrown at me, sometimes deep in denial at first but quickly rallying as a self-realized and fully capable adult woman who no longer has to prove to myself  or anyone else, for that matter, that I am not only intelligent resourceful, resilient and beautiful, but I finally have put on my big girl panties to deal with the world, exactly the way it is and exactly the way it is not.


About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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2 Responses to I Refused to Grow Up to Putting On My Big Girl Panties

  1. Lesboi says:

    Excellent post! It helped me realize the same thing in myself. At 52, deep down, I still don’t feel like an adult and don’t feel like I deserve the respect of an adult. But, as I grow into my true self and delve deeper into understanding and becoming the man that I am I can feel myself maturing and growing. It’s like we keep ourselves small until we’re ready to bloom. Maybe that cocoon was what kept us safe all those years.

  2. I am so glad that you learned something about yourself from my experiences. That is what I’m here for.! Its not so much that I just discover this in myself. I just have been afraid to admit it until quite recently because I was ashamed I also didn’t have the words to describe my feelings. Now I can forgive myself for a lifetime of shame because I now know that it came from wishing I had been born a girl. and now it appears that I have always been one and have finally taken responsibility for the “cruel joke” and did something about it. That’s the gift and I’m happy and grateful to have been able to share my gift with you.

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