I have been contemplating for awhile to changing the title of this blog to “A Spy In the Enemy Camp – A transgender woman’s life living as a man.” The premise for this title is that I once heard or read somewhere that the best spies are those who don’t know they are spies. The enemy camp, of course, refers to my living as a man among men for over sixty years. My intent is to provide cross insight between what I saw, heard, felt and did while living among men as compared to my life now as a woman among women.
When I started this blog in December 2011, my intention at the time was providing a record of my journey into a life that I always believed I should have had, namely being seen and living as a woman, including having my body reflect that girl/woman inside me that has always been a part of me, despite my earnest attempt to deny her existence. At one point last year I had shifted my focus when I changed the blog name from I Am Deanna to Observations from Having Crossed Over to the Other Side of the Fence, an unwieldy title, to say the least, the intent being to share my insights now that I was living my fantasy life that I could only dream about since I was a tweenager and thats not a typo. (see “A New Beginning“)
It was amazing to me that after I had changed the name of my blog last year , I began to see my following increase by the day if not by the week and my numbers grew from about 40 followers to the present number of 131, just a little more than a two hundred percent increase. My following is growing and I hope that this change of name will increase my following even more, but that’s not my point for this name change. The point of the name change is to bring a bit of intrigue to my blog, meaning I wanted to arouse the readers curiosity to give them a reason to take the time to see what this blog is all about. My purpose of writing this blog in the first place was to be a pathfinder into unknown territory and drop breadcrumbs behind as I went so that maybe, I might inspire others to reach for their dream of living authentically, to be true to themselves and have the life they’ve dreamed about and live in the glory and ecstacy I feel inside, even in some of my darkest moments.
The title of this post, of course, comes from the title of a 1963 Cold War spy novel by British author John le Carré later made into a feature film and I believe a remake, which is why I used quotation marks around the title. I used it because that is how I feel about my life before coming out and starting transition. All these years I’ve been trying to be “a man” and failing miserably at the task. More so, I feared that I would die not having lived an extraordinary life, but only a mundane ordinary one. My purpose now is be a beacon of light from my own little “heaven on earth,” to bring a measure of hope to those facing even greater challenges than I had. I must constantly remind myself whenever I feel down and out that I have accomplished something very extraordinary, a challenge with which few people will ever need to face, let alone deal with and to have succeeded and lived to tell about it. In short, I have rebirthed myself from the man I tried to be to the woman I was born to be.
Hey! That ain’t no small potatoes!