“The Spy Who Came In from the Cold”

I have been contemplating for awhile to changing the title of this blog to “A Spy In the Enemy Camp – A transgender woman’s  life living as a man.”  The premise for this title is that I once heard or read somewhere that the best spies are those who don’t know they are spies.  The enemy camp, of course, refers to my living as a man among men for over sixty years. My intent is to provide cross insight between what I saw, heard, felt and did while living among men as compared to my life now as a woman among women.

When I started this blog in December 2011, my intention at the time was providing a record of my journey into a life that I always believed I should have had, namely being seen and living as a woman, including having my body reflect that girl/woman inside me that has always been a part of me, despite my earnest attempt to deny her existence.  At one point last year  I had shifted my focus when I changed the blog name from I Am Deanna to Observations from Having Crossed Over to the Other Side of the Fence, an unwieldy title, to say the least,  the intent being to share my insights now that I was living my fantasy life that I could only dream about since I was a  tweenager and thats not a typo.  (see “A New Beginning“)

It was amazing to me that after I had changed the name of my blog last year , I began to see my following increase by the day if not by the week and my numbers grew from about 40 followers to the present number of 131, just a little more than a two hundred percent increase. My following is growing and I hope that this change of name will increase my following even more, but that’s not my point for this name change. The point of the name change is to bring a bit of intrigue to my blog, meaning I wanted to arouse the readers curiosity to give them a reason to take the time to see what this blog is all about.  My purpose of writing this blog in the first place was to be a pathfinder into unknown territory and drop breadcrumbs behind as I went so that maybe, I might inspire others  to reach for their dream of living authentically, to be true to themselves and have the life they’ve dreamed about and live in the glory and ecstacy I feel inside, even in some of my darkest moments.

The title of this post, of course, comes from the title of a 1963 Cold War spy novel by British author John le Carré later made into a feature film and I believe a remake, which is why I used quotation marks around the title. I used it because that is how I feel about my life before coming out and starting transition. All these years I’ve been trying to be “a man” and failing miserably at the task. More so, I feared that I would die not having lived an extraordinary life, but only a mundane ordinary one. My purpose now is be a beacon of light from my own little “heaven on earth,” to bring a measure of hope to those facing even greater challenges than I had.  I must constantly remind myself whenever I feel down and out that I have accomplished something very extraordinary, a challenge with which few people will ever need to face, let alone deal with and to have succeeded and lived to tell about it. In short, I have rebirthed myself from the man I tried to be to the woman I was born to be.

Hey! That ain’t no small potatoes!

Deanna Joy 

About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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2 Responses to “The Spy Who Came In from the Cold”

  1. Lynn Rose says:

    Yes I too always felt like I was passing as a man. It’s complicated to find balance in a binary gender world. I say I tried to pass as a man for 57 years. What a traumatic life, never feeling like you belonged to the human race.

  2. Thanks for your comment! You may not have noticed but up in the top right hand corner of the page I have updated the subtitle of this blog to “A transgender woman’s life convinced she was a he.”

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