Road to Bangkok minus 152 days

The last few weeks have been full of social events including 4 Meetups with the Girlfriends of Santa Fe, of which I am a welcomed and honored member.  I have even organized a couple of Meetup events myself, including a walking tour of Historic Santa Fe, like I did  over 14 years ago. I have progressed somewhat to get ready for some sales of my household and Carol’s personal effects to help raise some of the money in cash that I will need for my surgery in February.  I have also contacted the President of my local Stamp Club of which I had been an active member since 1998, to come to my home and look at what I have that I can take to the meetings and to an upcoming Stamp Show in November where I may be able to sell my collection of US mint sheets, plate blocks and other US mint material to a dealer. Even at face value, with no premium value, the collection is worth at least $1000 to $1500 and since it was David’s collection to which I don’t have any attachment beyond its intrinsic money value even with a discount, I will be rid of it, just one of the many items of which I will be able to simply my life without all the useless possessions owning me rather than the other way around.  I worry about failure sometimes.  My mind wants to entertain “What if?” but I am holding fast to a consciousness of sufficiency rather than a consciousness of lack.  I have set the intention and I can’t really see anything of the sort that it won’t happen, even at those times where I feel stalled or taking strides in the “wrong” direction.   I really know within myself that there is no wrong direction, only a direction to move from where I am standing.

Speaking of heart and body, I have been revisiting the idea that I am a woman seeking another woman as a new partner as my body has been tingling at the realization that when all is said and done, I will have the girl parts to fulfill my life’s fantasy to be taken by a man, to be desired for my heart, soul, and body as I have dreamed since I was a teen.  I will be a free woman charged up on Estrogen while my female and male contemporaries are well past their sexual prime and are likely to have little interest in sex anymore, at least for the ladies and for the men, I don’t know.

At my Embodydance Community as of late, I have started noticing the men for a change and not just the women who I have long felt and recorded here on this blog as sexy, beautiful and as far as I know, straight.  I have cultivated a connection with a young man who I would take as much closer to my son’s age than mine.  Our connection has been through Facebook and, as a new girlfriend of mine remarked, our messages to each other have been somewhat flirtatious in content but with an innocence of no expectations of anything else. Meanwhile there have been a fella or two who have held me on the dancefloor in a way that I felt so very safe being held in their strong arms, a feeling of safety with a man that I have not felt since I was still young enough to show outward affection for my father and not feel like the eyes of all the boys I knew were watching me.  It is that feeling with a man that I felt unwillingly forced to cut off from myself, to disown to the point where it fell into the Shadow of which Carl Jung speaks as “an unconscious aspect of the personality which the conscious ego does not recognize in itself.”

I have mentioned that I spent over a year writing a blog about the shadow from the perspective of having completed the New Warrior Training Adventure, the initial program of The Mankind Project and participating in weekly meetings with other new warriors to integrate the experience of the weekend into living fully alive as men.  I also mentioned how my participation in the program was the catalyst to the recognition of the disowned part of myself that had known that I was a woman all along.  There is a women’s counterpart to the NWTA called the Woman Within® Training Weekend and I have been considering the idea of engaging that experience once I have completed my transition and will feel most comfortable with my body exactly the way it is, not only with having my neo-vagina, but with the other parts of my body image that I need to integrate into the woman that I am and have always been.  In other words, when I really feel like a “natural woman” of which my friend Robyn spoke when waking up after her surgery, as she put it, the icing on the cake.

Deanna Joy

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About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
This entry was posted in New Horizons, Shadow, Shift Happens, Sisterhood, The Road to Bangkok and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Road to Bangkok minus 152 days

  1. Pingback: Hey Guys, I’m Still Alive and Well! | A Spy in the Enemy Camp

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