Back when I was still pretending to be David, the man I never was, I was one of the “nice guys.” Looking back on it from a woman’s perspective today, I can see that I was so starved for affection from women that being “nice” became a means to an end. Many women were comfortable with me as a buddy but as a potential sexual partner, they didn’t seem to want to give me more than “the time of day” which I appreciated but was frustrated that it would end with that and nothing more. I concluded that these women must like the “bad boys” because it was these guys to whom they seemed to be gravitating.
Looking at it from the other side of the fence, I can see how misguided were my thoughts about women and the “bad boy.” Even though, in my mind, I am not yet physically able to “have sex” with anyone, male or female, that doesn’t stop me mentally or emotionally and as the day of my lifetime dream draws near to become reality, it seems that sexual desire and feeling “horny” is becoming more and more a preoccupation of mine then it has been, since I first began my hormone re-balancing therapy in February 2012.
This recent upswing in my libido has led me to question my original assessment of my sexual orientation still favoring women. Although I have focused all my social activities with women as a woman, I have struck a chord with a few men who have touched me on an emotional level which I can’t ignore and I have become vulnerable to feelings that are beginning to stir within me that I have never felt around men ever before, to where my heart seems to skip a beat and leaves me sometimes nearly breathless.
So what has this to do with “nice guys?” From this side of the fence, I have been feeling lately that men are beginning to notice me as a sexual being, which for natural born women is nothing new. Admittedly, I have been deliberately fostering this by dress that shows off my budding figure of a woman, simply because feeling desirable as a woman is there for me to explore as I shift into a kind of sexual “overdrive.”
Many women have reported creepy feelings around men who they can’t read, namely the “nice guys.” I get the point about “nice guys” versus “bad boys” from this blossoming female libido in me where I believe the real issue for us is not knowing where we stand with a “nice guy” because they can’t show their vulnerability, and I believe that what makes a woman like me, a little more than nervous. It makes me, well, creepy. Since we know where we will stand with the bad boys on a purely visceral level, we can feel attraction as a matter of “chemistry” that we can’t feel around “nice guys” because their agenda is unclear to us, and that alone makes them more dangerous than the men we know see us, not as relationship material, but simply a good time. As a feminist from way back, I feel conflicted, but as a blossoming female person in her new found “glory,” I am beginning to feel “desirable”, and it doesn’t matter if it is only in my own mind, the feeling is new, different and transformative, to say the least.
For a woman like me in the”coming of age” to my feminine libido, I am beginning to feel more strongly with each passing “naughty” thought, that perhaps getting into a long-term relationship with a significant other, whether woman or man, is not what I need right now. What I really may need is some hot sex, like I’ve never experienced before, and the idea of being a woman seduced, or better yet, simply “swept off my feet” by a man, has been my constant fantasy since my first James Bond movie “Goldfinger”, seeing myself not as James Bond, but as the “Bond girl.”