A New Perspective on the “Nice Guy” versus the “Bad Boy”

Back when I was still pretending to be David, the man I never was, I was one of the “nice guys.” Looking back on it from a woman’s perspective today,  I can see that I was so starved for affection from women that being “nice” became a means to an end.  Many women were comfortable with me as a buddy but as a potential sexual partner, they didn’t seem to want to give me more than “the time of day” which I appreciated but was frustrated that it would end with that and nothing more. I concluded that these women must like the “bad boys” because it was these guys to whom they seemed to be gravitating.

Looking at it from the other side of the fence, I can see how misguided were my thoughts about women and the “bad boy.”  Even though, in my mind, I am not yet physically able to “have sex” with anyone, male or female, that doesn’t stop me mentally or emotionally and as the day of my lifetime dream draws near to become reality, it seems that sexual desire and feeling “horny” is becoming more and more a preoccupation of mine then it has been, since I first began my hormone re-balancing therapy in February 2012.

This recent upswing in my libido has led me to question my original assessment of my sexual orientation still favoring women.  Although I have focused all my social activities with women as a woman, I have struck a chord with a few men who have touched me on an emotional level which I can’t ignore and I have become vulnerable to feelings that are beginning to stir within me that I have never felt around men ever before, to where my heart seems to skip a beat and leaves me sometimes nearly breathless.

So what has this to do with “nice guys?” From this side of the fence, I have been feeling lately that men are beginning to notice me as a sexual being, which for natural born women is nothing new.  Admittedly, I have been deliberately fostering this by dress that shows off my budding figure of a woman, simply because feeling desirable as a woman is there for me to explore as I shift into a kind of sexual “overdrive.”

Many women have reported creepy feelings around men who they can’t read, namely the “nice guys.”   I get the point about “nice guys” versus “bad boys” from this blossoming female libido in me where I believe the real issue for us is not knowing where we stand with a “nice guy” because they can’t show their vulnerability, and I believe that what makes a woman like me, a little more than nervous.  It makes me, well, creepy.  Since we know where we will stand with the bad boys on a purely visceral level, we can feel attraction as a matter of “chemistry” that we can’t feel around “nice guys” because their agenda is unclear to us, and that alone makes them more dangerous than the men we know see us, not as relationship material, but simply a good time.  As a feminist from way back, I feel conflicted, but as a blossoming female person in her new found “glory,” I am beginning to feel “desirable”, and it doesn’t matter if it is only in my own mind, the feeling is new, different and transformative, to say the least.

For a woman like me in the”coming of age” to my feminine libido, I am beginning to feel more strongly with each passing “naughty” thought, that perhaps getting into a long-term relationship with a significant other, whether woman or man, is not what I need right now. What I really may need is some hot sex, like I’ve never experienced before, and the idea of being a woman seduced, or better yet, simply “swept off my feet” by a man, has been my constant fantasy since my first James Bond movie “Goldfinger”, seeing myself not as James Bond, but as the “Bond girl.”

Deanna Joy

About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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4 Responses to A New Perspective on the “Nice Guy” versus the “Bad Boy”

  1. Ken Shaw says:

    A guy whose name I don’t remember writes about the “nice guy—bad boy” phenomenon. He claims that women are attracted to the authenticity of a man following his own drummer over a guy trying to please everyone. Jeff Hood wrote a book, The Sliver-Back Gorilla, where he talks about women being attracted to alpha males. Silver-back gorillas eat what they want, sleep where they want and when they want, procreate with whom they want, etc. And the safest place for a female gorilla is with the leader. Her offspring are more likely to survive.

    In my perhaps limited experience, women might settle for a “nice guy” out of fear, but the juice of attraction usually isn’t there. This seems to me to be a hard-wired biological imperative. It will be interesting to see where these new perceptions of yours take you.



    • lizelth says:

      I’m not so sure, Ken. I don’t think it’s the “bad boy” thing that attracts women and I’m not just speaking as a transwoman here. I’ve had this discussion with cisfemale friends. The “bad boy” does one thing that the “nice guys” often do not do – he exudes confidence.

      I raise this point because I’ve met men who were extremely self-confident yet not “bad boys” and those men were almost always seen as attractive by women I’ve known, both before and since I’ve begun my transition. The “nice guys” seem to lack the confidence.

      And of course, then you must add in Deanna’s very valid observation that women do not know where we stand with the nice guys. So what’s a woman to do? She simply takes the safe route and assumes the nice guy isn’t interested and the nice guy doesn’t get rewarded for being a nice guy.

      What men need to realize is that it’s ok to express either sexual or emotional (or both!) interest in a woman in a more direct yet polite manner. Wolf whistles, leers, and vulgar comments aren’t the way to start a relationship. And men need to not allow their own egos to be crushed when a woman says no.

      I’ve experienced some of what Deanna has talked about, about discovering that my interests may lie beyond what I conditioned myself to believe in the past. I have and plan to continue discussing my sexual orientation with my therapist. I do not plan to enter into any sort of relationships prior to SRS, which is still likely a few years out for me. But I’m beginning to understand myself better.

      To Deanna, this post resonates with me too. That desire to be wanted, and taken (not in a violent or degrading manner), and loved totally is emerging. I can totally relate!

      • Thanks to you, lizileth, for your thoughtful contribution to this conversation in response to my post and to the response by my very first and ardent follower, Ken, since I began publishing this blog in December 2011.
        I doubt that Ken won’t mind that I share, without his permission first, that Ken and I participated in a weekend program called the “New Warrior Training Adventure”(http://mankindproject.org/) which I have spoken about before, and continued afterward to meet in a weekly follow up group of “New Warriors” to integrate that experience into our everyday lives as conscious men. Ironically, little did I know when I enrolled in the program, with Ken as my “sponsor”, and, unbeknownst to me beforehand, the full support by my late beloved wife, that this would lead me to my startling realization of a lifelong “shadow”, that hidden and disowned part of myself, that I was never a man to begin with, even after I did the weekend to confirm that I was indeed a man.
        This evening, I am participating in a “sharing circle” on our personal exploration of our inner masculine/feminine energies, led by an artist girlfriend in response to her recent show of very provocative and sexually explicit paintings which she titled “Power, Vulnerability and Gender.” I almost bowed out until I was encouraged to participate by another woman who has also been witness to my recent “shape-shifting” because I will have an interesting viewpoint to contribute from a relatively rare vantage point of my gender crossover experiences. It will be interesting, even to myself, to see what comes up for me in that conversation.
        Deanna Joy

    • Ken, thanks for your comment about “settling for the nice guy”, because it has again given me pause to readdress what the attraction was that brought C and I together and allowed our 32 year marriage to survive, in my opinion, well beyond it’s time.
      Six months before her passing, she told her “life story” as we all did in a group led by George C., and our common thread appeared to be a lifelong uphill battle against the gender stereotyping that society seems to force upon each of us by virtue of our “gender as assigned at birth.” The realization of that common thread we seemed to have shared has brought a measure of closure to my grief over her passing, that she had finally learned her soul’s lesson that she had incarnated to learn which seems to have unfortunately, for those who knew and loved her, had to take her terminal illness to learn. Then again, the love and grace she shared with family and friends as her life was coming to a close, is a lesson that we who have survived her needed to learn as well.
      Peace brother from your New Warrior sister.

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