A Curious Conundrum

It is interesting to me that when I was still trying to pretend to be a “straight” guy, even though I was ally to the  GLBT communities, I still was abhorrent to watching or even imagining men kissing or otherwise publicly displaying affection for each other in real life or in the media.

Now that I am behaving like the woman I always was and with my romantic/sexual preference remaining toward women, seeing gay men publicly displaying their affection to each other in real life or the media sometimes brings tears of joy to my eyes as it does for women, lesbian or otherwise.

The only thought with which I can come up in regard to this change of attitude and physical reaction since I began transitioning into my wildest dream since I was young, is that as I was getting closer to discover what I had been denying or had suppressed for far too long, I was trying to convince myself that I was most emphatically straight, because I could never see myself in a romantic or sexual relationship with another man, except as a woman. I believe that this struggle to reconcile my feelings in the months leading up to my transition was my unconscious mind’s way to finally lifting the bar blocking the door to the extraordinary life for which I always dreamed, a life that is now my reality.

Now that my preference remains toward women rather then men, I have not discounted the possibility of falling for another man, especially after I have my surgery because I have long dreamed of being a woman being made love to by a man since I was in my teens. Yet the tingling in my body towards women I meet and otherwise love and my penchant for viewing Lesbian films are still on the front burner of my consideration, second only to the completion of my transition as I have imagined as far back as I can remember.

I would like to open this up to my readers to comment their own take on this, if you please, because I can anticipate that there may be other possibilities to this conundrum of my own making that I yet might want to consider.

Any takers?

Deanna Joy

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About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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2 Responses to A Curious Conundrum

  1. As a cis woman, I likely have little to offer. But as someone who has recently come out as Bisexual, I can say that for as long as I have had sexual thoughts, I’ve found women attractive. But I would cover it up as envy and convince myself I simply wished to look like the woman I was looking at. I can now, with more confidence say, that my attraction to women is there and has likely put my attraction to men on the back burner. Now that I’m no longer denying my sexuality, it’s finally blossoming into something rather interesting. Of course now I’m wondering if I’m not Pansexual, but that’s something I’m still working on.

    It sounds like your body knows what it wants. And things might change after your surgery. I’m glad to see that you’re continuing to explore and enjoy your transition. I wish you all the best, Deanna.

    • You needn’t discount your contribution to the discussion, TA, because it took me a few months on hormone re-balancing therapy, as I like to call it, to figure out whether or not my transitioning would affect my sexual orientation. The summer before I began transition, I had watched Chaz Bono, on the David Letterman show, try to educate Dave, and ultimately the viewing audience as well, how gender identity and sexual orientation were separate issues. Languaging has a lot to do with the confusion because the prevailing belief by most cis-gender and trans-gender persons, seems to point towards sexual orientation as either toward the opposite gender or toward one’s own gender and doesn’t take into account the possibility of gender transition. At the start of my transition, I was no different than any cis person questioning my sexuality in either gender expression or sexual orientation and I simply stopped thinking, as men seem to be more inclined to do, and started listening to what my body was telling me.

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