“A child is father to the man (and to the woman)”

This may be a bit off track from my usual posts but I thought it was time to honor my son who I believe has taught me far more about the meaning of love than I could have ever taught him, even if only by my example.

My late beloved wife and I raised our son to be color-blind with respect to skin color or who and how a person chooses to live and love another. We knew from the start that we really had nothing to teach him and that he had everything to teach us as to what “unconditional love” was really all about. If she were still here with me, I know that she would agree that we took no credit or be proud or ashamed of how he turned out except to have done our best to practice what we preached and give him enough freedom to make his own choices and mistakes, at the level we believed he was able to handle on his own and take full responsibility for those choices and to live his life his way and not our way. While we always strived to protect him from physical danger, we never attempted to shield him from the world, so that he could use love for his fellow travelers in life as his “moral compass’ and not some arbitrary rule set down by men “in the name of God” or otherwise.  He has grown up to be a man of high integrity and respected by his peers as loving, kind and respectful for others choices that may not have been his way he does things, which we tried to instill in him by not trying to make him a carbon copy of us and to be an autonomous adult in his own right and not ours.

Before his Mom left to be with her angels, I firmly believe she knew that all would be well with him, and that she had done her job as his mother to guide him but not smother his zest for life or to live up to our standards.  We have been honored to have been his parents because we believe that he chose us to incarnate as our son as I had chosen, before he was born, never be a burden to bear but an honor and privilege to have been his father.

What I never anticipated when he was born is that I would be living a completely different life than the one he knew or the one for which I planned and pretended to be for so long and hard and yet he still surprises me with his capacity to not take himself so seriously as I used to do and treat me with the same respect and love he has always shown me, as his father and “his former father” as he put it jokingly last Father’s Day for whom he once fully embraced as his Dad and now as “Deanna”, who will always love and respect him for the way chooses to live his life as he will continue to love and respect me “exactly the way we are and the way we are not.”  For the time he was still with me after his Mom passed, he never failed to call me “Deanna” which was a sign to me that he respected and honored my choice to live the life for which I always dreamed and no longer the life of the man he once called “Dad.”

Sweet dreams all y’all

Deanna Joy

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About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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4 Responses to “A child is father to the man (and to the woman)”

  1. Reading this gave me warm fuzzies. My kiddo is still young, but even now she’s opening and accepting. When I told her I’m bisexual and what that means she said she still loves me the same and would no matter whom I dated or fell in love with. Kids are amazing and frustrating and wonderful.

    I”m so happy for you that your son is so accepting and willing to call you Deanna and still treat you as he always has. Every time I read a happy post from you I find myself smiling and nodding along. So great.

  2. Sounds like you and your wife did a great job raising a respectful and independent child. I’m sure it is a great thing to have in your life, especially when times are tough. It’s something I hope to have someday, when K and I decide to start a family, to have a son or daughter who can teach us as much about life as we can teach them.

  3. Thank you for all your loving kindness, Katie! As I said before, “I (we) take no credit because I believe that he raised us, by his example, by his mature respect for himself and for others which I believe has been an integral part to the respectful, loving woman that I have become.
    Deanna Joy

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