Girl Interrupted

The day before yesterday I went to the Payless shoe store next to where I get my beauty supplies and bought a pair of red flats.  Yesterday, I went to the other Payless shoe store at the mall and bought another pair of white flats and then went to Sears and was able to purchase four items including two skirts, a sequin sweater and some stretchy pants for just over $40 on clearance.  Today I went back to the shoe store and bought my first pair of high heels.  They were basic black pumps in size 12W and only $20.

I again went to the mall and after checking out some jewelry in one store  I walked confidently into the Victoria’s Secret Store and asked the salesgirl to measure me. I was wearing one of the older styles of VS bras which I found in my late partner’s lingerie drawer, a size 38D in black lace which fits me quite well and gives me some cleavage but they don’t carry that style anymore. Too bad!

Her tape measure revealed that I was a 38B/C so I tried on several different bras in 38C without any padding which the salesgirl passed to me over the door to the fitting room and as I could see that none of them showed the cleavage that the one I wore into the store did, she then passed to me several more with push-up pads and I finally decided on a nude one with lace over shaped cups over which I put on my top and opened the door to show the girl how it looked.  She smiled and commented how it added just the right amount of shaping. and it was so comfortable I didn’t want to take it off.

Still, I changed back and as I left the fitting room I noticed a sign that said if I applied for an VS credit card I could save $15 on my purchase.  Unfortunately, the major credit card I had with me had my old birth name and as I wanted my new name on this card I asked her to write down the information about the bra I had chosen and I could then return later with another card to reapply and get my discount.  I had asked her when the next Semi-Annual sale was which wouldn’t be until June but I plan to get this bra because it is so comfortable and makes me feel so beautiful and feminine and looks  fabulous.

Still, with all these wonderful experiences in the daytime, I still cry when I’m alone at night because I don’t know whether or not I can complete my transition with surgery before it becomes impossible.  For me, not being able to finish what I started has become unthinkable and yet I wonder if I can ever have a sex life as the woman of which I have dreamed for so long and now am so close and yet so far that I want to scream.  Damn these hormones!

Deanna Joy Hallmark


About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
This entry was posted in Mourning and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Girl Interrupted

  1. If anyone had told me three years ago that I would be writing to you today as a post-GCS woman, I would have asked what drug they were taking. Winning the lottery seemed far more likely, but things change, and sometime they change quickly. May this be so for you, Deanna, as you chart your own course towards surgery.

    • As I had double hip replacement surgery almost two years ago and am almost 6 feet tall barefoot, I have not really been thinking about high heels that much and anyway, it is doubly difficult to find shoes in my size, a Woman’s 12 wide. Most that I have found are from Payless and they just happened to have a pair of black pumps that fit well and as I have been wanting a pair for long enough it was time to buy them while they had them on sale. I have been wearing wedged sandals since last summer when weather permits and I enjoy the clacking sound that even low heels make that say without a doubt that there is a woman approaching, so watch out!

  2. I hope you enjoy those first pair of heels, and remember to break them in! That was a mistake I made, and my feet hated me for it for days. I actually still have my first pair, and it’s been almost eight years.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s