Learning the meaning of “I’ve got a headache!”

I wrote a post last May called A Sexual Awakening and this post is, in part, a followup of sorts, spoken from my present experiences in my shape-shifting from male to female body, heart and soul, since I began hormone therapy in February last year.

Early in the course of my hormone therapy, I lost my former male sexual libido, which is tied for both men and women alike to testosterone levels in the body, much less for women, however as my testicles have shrunk and reascended into my groin area to the way they were before reaching puberty.   I knew this would happen because all the literature I read indicated it as one of the first noticeable affects of the therapy.  By the time I was able to begin hormone therapy, I was actually looking forward to no having to think about sex all the time as women had reported long before I transitioned most likely because it has been a fantasy played out since puberty, even though I did not know why until just before I decided to come out last year.

As a way to reawaken both love and sexual desire, I have been streaming lesbian themed films and, as I have watched them, especially the parts where the two women making passionate love to each other, it has caused stirrings within my heart and shudder in my body.

I recently spoke of Falling in Love for the First Time but I have yet to report what happened to me on Christmas night.  After spending part of the lovely day at a potluck with all women but one man, who left early to go for a hike.  The afternoon ended with a “white elephant” gift exchange, which is most definitely a girl’s game designed around women’s generally more cooperative versus competitive nature.  I came home and finished making myself a sumptuous meal of a baked chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, warm soft dinner rolls and the beets I had prepared for the potluck but were leftover.

After the meal, which included a little wine, I washed the pots, put the leftovers in microwave safe ceramic cookware, put the rest of the preparation and eating dishes in the dishwasher and got ready for bed, but instead of putting on my flannel nighty. I decided to pick out a special pair of satiny undies and put on a satin bathrobe which I found among my beloved’s effects and which bore the label of Victoria’s Secret. I laid back on a couch with the lights turned low and candles burning and imagined myself as one of those women in the films being touched by her partner.  I also touched myself and imagined I was gently massaging my clitoris and labia.  I not only experienced the intense climax I had felt as a man just before ejaculation except of course I couldn’t ejaculate because of the hormone therapy, I also was able to repeat the sensation over and over until I actually had to take a break and putter around the house, after which I returned to my couch.

I have repeated this episode on the subsequent evening but after that I have been finding myself not “in the mood,” especially after a trying day.  I guess I not only learned to pleasure myself like a girl, I have also learned the meaning behind “I have a headache!”

Deanna Joy

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About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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