Deanna in Wonderland

There must be a reason, or maybe it isn’t reasonable at all, that seeing a wonderland of white on the ground has the ability to get my creative juices flowing.  After my nearly two month hiatus from writing on this blog, I suddenly find myself being able to not only write the longest post that I have ever written, but after a good night’s sleep and a leisurely breakfast of juice, coffee, a sausage and a potato patty and two fried eggs on a tortilla, covered by Hollandaise sauce,which I made last evening, and all the while my mind is wanting to get back in front of my computer to write another post within the eight hours that have past since my last long post which was finally posted around two in the morning..

In the “before time”, which is what I call the time before I came out and started to transition into the greatest joy of my life, I would have been unable to have made that breakfast because my creativity, as a visual artist and now a writer, was driven by my mania, which would not let my mind stop racing to even breathe.

I think what it is about snow on the ground, after a very dry spring and summer, and an unusually long “indian summer” this fall, is that it finally gives me the excuse to slow down and savor the accomplishments that I have made in the past year.  While I love snow, I hate driving in it, especially to do my work as a professional driver that I have been for nearly two decades.

After a remarkable weekend, filled with love and the giving of my authentic self, I woke up with the knowledge that the only reason I need to leave the house today is to work my short shift of about four hours at my new job as a pizza delivery driver, but more importantly as my first job since I began to live my greatest dream.

Looking at the little clock down by the bottom right corner of my computer screen, I see that it is just after eleven, which means that I still have about four hours before I report to work.  My car is safely tucked away under the roof of my carport, mostly free of snow, which is the first time it has ever been possible for me, as my dear departed always claimed that space for herself and now, I have finally taken that space for my own.  It did grab at my heartstrings to realize  that I now have this privilege at the cost of losing the love of my life and whenever I have that thought, it always brings tears to my woman’s eyes.

The other thing I realized about going to work in the snow is that it will have had time to be cleared away, at least on the major roadways, by the plow and sand trucks and since my work is about five minutes away on a clear day, that all I need to do is leave perhaps fifteen minutes earlier to drive to work without having to rush.  It will also mean that I can take more time to deliver pizzas and other goodies with the knowledge that my employer will be as concerned for my personal safety as he would my being able to drive in an expeditious manner.  Unlike the “before time” I actually enjoy going to work and being able to see my new friends, that have demonstrated so much love and concern for my well-being, just for being me.

I had originally thought that this post was going to go elsewhere, and frankly I have already forgotten what I was originally thinking about putting to keyboard and screen. It may or may not come back but, right now it doesn’t matter, for I am savoring my moments of peace and creativity and feeling myself in Wonderland, with my fairies, sprites, nymphs, and elves beside me.

Deanna Joy

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About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
This entry was posted in Living in Grace, Shift Happens, True love and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

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