The home stretch

For the last couple of days I haven’t gotten much sleep.  A year ago on this weekend after Thanksgiving is when I began my transition with an announcement to my Embodydance community that I no longer could live my life as a man.  The actual date is not until Tuesday, November 27, but it is more important for me to mark the anniversary as the Sunday after Thanksgiving because I again will be at the dance and I can share the anniversary with the community as I shared the start of my transition on that Sunday one year ago.

I have come a long way since then and my fellow dancers have been amazed at the progress I have made in that time as they have watched me week after week for the past year.

But that is not what has keeping me up all night.  What is keeping me up is that I have it within my means to complete my transition  before my 64th birthday in July.  I should have all of my ducks in a row, medically and psychologically, by February, when I began my hormone therapy last year and all I need to do now is find a way to finance the $21,000 I need for the surgery in Thailand and for the travel and hotel expenses for a 4 to 6 week stay.  I will soon have my new name on a credit card that has been in my old name for many years and which I haven’t used since I started living apart from my late dear wife in February two years ago. It has a $13000 line of credit and the present balance is around $700.

I hope to find a means to beg or borrow the money at a lower interest rate and I could be in debt until I die but it doesn’t matter.  When I came out a year ago my familiar way of being for over 62 years would have thought it next to impossible and I didn’t have a clue as to how it could be done but I knew that it had to be done or die trying.

In a post last January entitled The Road shared with my Sisters I wrote:

One of the greatest gifts I have received in this process so far, and that which I hope will sustain me through the year or so to come to that day when I wake up with a vagina, is that the whole process of getting there will help to define me as Deanna, the woman I’ve always wanted to be.

I have been visualizing stepping off the plane in Bangkok and saying “I can hardly believe I’m really here.” It’s 4:00 am and time to dream.

Deanna Joy Hallmark


About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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2 Responses to The home stretch

  1. Caroline says:

    For so long I was convincing myself that it would be impossible to do, I had left it too late, I was much too old to make it worthwhile being now over 60.

    All rubbish! here I am almost full recovered and I can’t believe how life has changed for the better.

    Here is wishing all your plans work out as well as mine did, it has all been so worthwhile…

  2. Thanks for your blessing, Caroline. In July 2011, I had both of my hip joints replaced and I got my life back. In the joy of my recovery, I finally could see it possible to have what I have always wanted but never thought was possible in this life – to be the woman and girl of my dreams.

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