To dream and dance my joy

It’s now been a little over a month since my beloved wife and mother of our son made her transition to the realm of the Great Mystery, one quite different from the one on which I have embarked.  I have settled back into the house we shared with our son for over 23 years and I am beginning finally to see progress being made in bringing the house into some kind of semblance of a peaceful home once again.  Before she passed I had said to both my sister and my brother-in-law, who came to help with her transition and to take care of unpaid bills, that I didn’t want to live here.

Much has transpired since then. I have managed to eliminate some of the expenses of running the household, paid the back taxes on the house with money that came into her account before I closed it, got the front furnace working properly, and a myriad of other bits and pieces of unfinished business and have finally come to a place in which I finally can relax once again, to sleep and to dream.

My biggest want is to come up with the money to complete my transition, that is to travel to Thailand and have my bottom surgery and possibly liposuction and some facial alterations that will help to feminize my face.  While it is foremost in my thoughts, it doesn’t occupy a lot of time and energy worrying about how I can accomplish this yet it does creep into my thoughts on a daily basis.

I had considered hiring an Estate seller to take on the enormous task of seller off all that I dont’t really need, such as furniture and the boxes and boxes of stuff that have accumulated over the years together in this house. Before I moved back in, it seemed like an insurmountable task, one that has occupied my thoughts and dreams and have caused many a sleepless and dreamless night over the past years.

It hurts sometimes to think that it would take the passing of my partner to finally be able to sleep and dream once again, yet  it has been both blissful and refreshing to clear my mind of all that once cluttered it, both in physical reality and in the depths of my psyche.

I have missed the closeness of another psyche to share with mine, a warm, loving person with whom I can once  share my every intimate thought or feeling, as well as my bed.   In short, I want to make love and to be made love to by a partner who accepts me as I am, a wish that is complicated by my being transgender but not at all impossible.

I have been watching Lesbian films that I stream from Netflix and have allowed myself to bask in the warm afterglow that I see when two women share their bodies with each other in an act of passion and love.  Since I have been unable to arouse myself by touching because of the hormone therapy, it makes the wanting of surgery even more important.  I have dreamed of the day when I would have a vagina and be penetrated by a man, but as I become more and more attuned to my feelings as female, it seems that what I really crave is a kinder heart and soul to share my bed with and as men become more and more such a mystery now from the other side of the fence, I believe that kinder heart and soul to live in another woman who can love and accept me as I am and not as some unattainable fantasy.

It’s time to reengage in the act of writing, a task I have put off for too long.  It is time to dream what is possible and then find the means to choose my life as I have always wanted it to be.

It is once again time to dance my joy in being the woman I have always wanted to be; sexy and beautiful, smart and resourceful. After all, I chose “Joy” as my middle name.

Deanna Joy Hallmark


About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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One Response to To dream and dance my joy

  1. I know what those conflicted feelings are like, Deanna, what a tragedy and sadness lead to one’s own liberation. May your middle name lead you forward through this time and onward.


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