Grief is a strange animal

The all too recent passage of my beloved partner for over thirty years has brought me to a new crossroad in my life on a journey only I can make.  Soon after my separation began from my beloved almost eighteen months ago, in the process of having to live my life without her, it became all to clear to me that the idea of having but one soul mate in life was only wishful thinking and that in truth, we probably have many soul mates, probably as many soul mates as we have lessons to learn.

In the middle and later years of my thirty year marriage, I often used to dream of marrying another woman and as I looked at my new bride from my own perspective, I could always see my beloved standing behind her to her right, my left, smiling in approval and being happy for the both of us.  I always believed it was because we had divorced and because the very thought of divorce from my beloved was unthinkable to me, I felt guilty for being happy. Of course, I always assumed I was a man because I couldn’t see myself.

Little did I realize that until I  started living the life I had always wanted in being a woman, just how unhappy, unfulfilled and dissatisfied I really had felt with just about everything.  After I  began my transition, it all suddenly transformed and everything that has happened to me since it began, both good and bad has brought nothing but happiness and greater inner strength, which I had before never thought possible. As time went by in our separation, I would often cry about how different our journeys really were and how ridiculous was the idea of but one soul mate.

Just last week, as I was riding in a car to pass out flyers about our new Pizza store with some other female delivery drivers at my new job,  all chatting away about being bored by not having enough work to keep them occupied, not liking skirts and dresses, their husbands and their kids and all that other stuff that twenty and thirty something women talk about and me only having to talk about was that not only was I old enough to be a grandma to their kids, but that my beloved partner was near death. Ironically, just as we were doing this on Sunday, my beloved peacefully and quietly slipped away on the next stage of her journey that I can’t share.

Now that my beloved has passed and I return to work next week after my new boss gave me the week off for bereavement, it could be soon time to lay the big news on them even though I have really enjoyed being with these girls in stealth,  with them probably thinking I was just a lesbian by speaking of my life long partner as she.  Here in Santa Fe, being trans is almost as much a non issue as being gay.  Almost.

Grief is a very strange animal. It really has been an opportunity to witness myself in a whole new light, just as long as I don’t get too caught up in the thought that its all about being serious.  The old adage that if I laugh, the world laughs with me, cry and I cry alone, strips me of the realization that grief is a but a passage, another crossroad on my journey.

I now hold her in my heart as dancing again on wings.  I believe she to be smiling on my new happiness as well.

Deanna Joy


About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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