Good bye sweetheart

First of all I want to say to all who follow this blog that my last post the other day “Why God really created Woman” was meant as a joke, in fact the cosmic joke for me and I will not apologize if it offended some of you because I needed a good laugh, considering what I’m going through at this moment in my life.

My beloved is close to her release from her cancer-ridden body and I have been in mourning.  Both my sister and brother-in-law showed up this past week to take charge of her transition, my sister to care for her minute to minute needs and to handle the household and my brother-in-law to assume power of attorney for her financial and legal affairs.

Neither my sister nor my brother-in-law have accepted my transition and have emphatically stated so along with the fact that they are both angry with me for their perception that I broke my vows to my beloved and abandoned her seventeen months ago or perhaps even earlier than that because my beloved asked me to leave her in her time of need because she felt that she needed to take care of her own health while I needed to attend to mine, which led to my needed double hip surgery to get my life back and opening the way for my new journey as Deanna. (see ‘The burden and the Gift” and followup “A humble correction to my post ‘The burden and the gift'”)

You can probably imagine that this girl that I have become has shed buckets of tears over this and you are right. Unlike fellow blogger Becky Kent, who hates roller-coasters, I neither hate them or nor love them, they just are. I have been riding a big one lately and it has given me headaches, something that I haven’t experienced in a long while, but I seem to be able to simply notice them, take an Ibuprofen or three, less often than not, and let them flutter by.

These latest episodes of emotion this past week has had me wanting to move out from the place I have been living since July and I almost did, right up to the last minute.  Instead, I decided to pay my rent, a day early in fact, and simply give my landlady my requisite month’s notice.  She has been having her own stuff going on and her intrusions into my personal life have been taken too personally by me and I have decided to let it go.

So yesterday, I decided to go to church and it was extremely hard to hold back my tears so I simply let go and allow a few new girlfriends to comfort me. each in their own way. One remarked to me “You are in the right place.”  While I was unable to stay inside the sanctuary for the lively opening songs and meditations I finally came in as the minister was about to deliver her talk for the day ‘The Healthiest Response To Life Is Laughter”. It was followed by a laughing meditation by one of the practitioners, who told a story of her husband falling on his butt and after that, the monthly skit put on by members of the “Ministry of Mirth.” This could not have been a more perfect resolution to my sorrow as one girlfriend had suggested earlier.

The one gift that my sister had given me, as she told me that my beloved had refused to see me was that all I could do now is to try and reach my beloved on a soul-level so that I could be complete and she could let go of all her pain of me and move on.

Last evening, as I sat in the front courtyard of my current abode under the waning moon that had been full evening before, I looked up to see, as a dark cloud passed in front of the moon’s silvery orb, the silhouette of an angel.  As my beloved has been collecting angels these past few years, many that I have given her on birthdays, Christmas and anniversaries, I knew in my soul that it was a message from God through her, given what I had quoted from Neale Donald Walsh in my post just the other day when God spoke to him and told him how we could recognize God speaking to us, that being feelings of our highest joy, our highest truth and our highest love.

My response was immediate, I laughed out loud.  It reminded me of the times when my beloved would “depants” me, sneaking up from behind and pulling my pants down around my knees and then laughing out loud while I became so upset with her for laughing at my bruised male dignity.

Good bye, my sweetheart, I will miss your laughter most.  You are already with your angels and now you can all have a good laugh together at us more serious folks down here.

Deanna Joy


About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
This entry was posted in Living in Grace, Mourning, Shift Happens, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Good bye sweetheart

  1. My sister gave me a book called “The Language of Letting Go” when it became clear some five years ago that my spouse and I would divorce. It helped me through many a dark night with solace, just as the laughter of friends led me gently through as many dark days. May the conflicts of the soul and body come to a peaceful resting place for you both.

  2. Becky says:

    It is always difficult to lose a loved one. More so when the loss is compounded by other conflicts. I do hope that you can find peace at this difficult time and that you will be able to turn your focus from the immediate loss to memories of the good you shared for all those years.

  3. Francine Wunk says:

    I read in the Celebration new report of Carol’s impending transition and rest assured that she has many friends at this moment in time helping her to transition and it’s best, even if you can’t be at her side and hold her hand, that you can do this like you said on the etheric realms. She and you shared so many years together of laughter and anything else that a marriage brings, so just hold all of those wonder-filled memories and love in your heart and she will feel them and understand them as she transitions and reviews her life. I’m sure that there were many more wonder-filled moments than not since you two are such neat people. Keep the love flowing in your heart Deanna.

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