More on Embracing the Dark Side

I had an epiphany yesterday morning while making breakfast about what happened to me last week and how it all ties in to a dark energy or shadow that we, as women and men, live with every day of our lives. This also ties in to what happened in Colorado last week and even to the great tragedy that befell this nation and her people in the ghastly horror of 9-11-2001.

As a trans-woman, I have suddenly found myself highly sensitive to this dark energy as I have never felt before.  It is so pervasive among us humans that now it is even a part of the process in bringing about equality for all the peoples of the earth. It is so insidious in its nature that we are not even aware of how it has become acceptable practice, even for those of us who have this undying need to express our sexuality in a way that is consistent with what we know to be true about ourselves as transgender people, because we even do it to ourselves.

If you haven’t guessed by now, this dark energy or shadow is called objectification and it’s medium of propagation is in the practice of labeling.

Now I’m not suggesting that this is a new or original thought.  In fact, I really believe that there really is no such thing as an original thought.  Even geniuses like Albert Einstein acknowledged the fact that some of us humans are just a little more sensitive to what is already out there and even then, could sometimes forget that fact and claim an entitlement.

That being said, I am putting my own take on this from the perspective of being regarded as an object, namely a transgender person who has suddenly flowered into the person I was born to be, but has been living in the wrong assigned role all of my life.

From my perspective, I’m just, well, me.  From others perspective I am sometimes an object of curiosity or disdain. On the one side, they ask me to be patient with them for forgetting to use my preferred name and gender pronouns without making them feel more uncomfortable than they already may feel and yet, on the other side, some are not willing to give me the same consideration to go about my business, like using a lady’s toilet without making me any more uncomfortable than I feel and then suggest that because I am the apparent cause of their discomfort because of my openness, which I’m not, that I need to be more understanding and tolerant of their discomfort than they expect me to be with theirs.

One of the things that has been happening since I started my transition which many women may think I don’t have a right to be because I have been living all my life with the presumed privilege of being a white male, is that I have suddenly not only become a transgender activist, I have become even more so, an active and outspoken feminist. What these women (and men) may fail to realize is that I am acutely cognizant of the objectification that women have felt since they were little girls because I am suddenly being objectified as something that is neither woman nor man, but some thing else.

The myth of privilege is just that, a myth, for we are all objectified in some way and some are more or less so. It seems unfair sometimes, but that’s life.  I am trying to deal with it as best as I can and all I request, with the request being made with the absolute understanding that I may not get what I ask for, is that I be given the same consideration for being a human being, instead of an object, of which I try to be mindful, whenever an unwanted thought of objectification for another comes into my consciousness.

Deanna Joy Hallmark

About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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1 Response to More on Embracing the Dark Side

  1. Dear Deanna,

    I’m slowly catching up on reading web journals I have fallen behind on during my month in the US. I am so, so sorry to read about your experiences in your spiritual community and beyond. As you know, I have had almost a charmed transition given my employer and my place of residence. But I do remember what it was like to experience what you are experiencing when I failed at earlier transition attempts going back decades. Perhaps by failing three times, I “earned” this charmed transition on my fourth attempt.

    Persevere, dear woman. It will be your inner strength that will see you through. By being visible and predictable, you are doing all the right things. Those friends and colleagues who want nothing to do with me have long ago departed, to be replaced by new friends and new communities. As painful as these rejections and objectifications are, they will pass with time. And of course, I know that you know this with your head even as the heart and soul hurt.

    Be it known that if you were here in Romania or in some of the other countries where I have served, only feminine adjectives and verb endings would apply to you.

    Wishing you better days from Bucharest,

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