Give me your hand!

I can’t understand how one anonymous remark delivered to me from some women in my spiritual community by a man I once trusted with my life but am not so sure now if I can ever trust him again has sent me into such a flat-spin, out of control and ready to crash and burn.

I have spoken to both my therapist and to someone with a local Rape Crisis Hotline and found myself yesterday afternoon writing a long letter to my community which I then posted on subscriber lists within the organization saying goodbye, at least for the time being, to this community that has been my spiritual family for over a decade.  I did end it with an offer of a gift, when I can find the wherewithall to accomplish it and of which I spoke here, a workshop to educate well meaning allies of the special needs of people like us who are trying to find our true selves in an atmosphere of both hate causing and well-meaning ignorance which are often indistinguishable in their intent.

Today my thoughts turned to both suicide and to suing the non profit 501c3 entity for damages, two thoughts that have me deeply shaken to my core because both are an anathema to me but has at least made me more sensitive to those who have considered either or both when they have been deeply hurt. I made contact by both phone and email with my local chapter of the ACLU to pose hypothetical questions about the law with regard to gender specific public accommodations and to the suggestion of filing a suit for sexual harassment in an attempt to distract myself from the horror of my own thoughts.

Oh yeah, I went to my files to check my prescriptions for T-blockers and Estrogen to see if what I’m experiencing could be a side effect because I don’t want to stop taking them because of this, because so far, I know they are right for me.  Luckily I could find nothing that said they could cause thoughts of suicide or mass murder so I did breathe a sigh of relief at that.

What am I thinking?  I am in turmoil and in trouble and I am trying to get the courage to call someone I can trust to come hold my hand before I empty my refrigerator and larder and drink all the booze in my well-stocked bar. I am a trained bartender looking for work, after all.

So far, the responses to my letter have been two well meaning “I’m so sorry” letters and I am beginning to feel more ashamed of the many letters of the kind that I have sent out to fellow sisters and brothers in need because in my state of mind, people feeling sorry from afar just ain’t cutting it.  What I don’t need right now is sympathy/empathy but I am begining to fear that is all I’m going to get.

I hope this post has staved off my anxiety so that I can relax a while and try to think of flowers, birds and cool summer evening breezes along with my housemates two doggies who seem to have connected to my distress with their loving presence, right outside my bedroom door. Right now they are my only friends to be here with me and for me.  My housemate should be returning home from her day job unless she has to work her other job tonight.  I am contemplating how to act if she doesn’t have to go and we can sit and talk, although I could always say I have a headache, which is true.

I prefer truth because the truth is far easier to remember than a lie.  I just hope I remember to breathe.

Breathe, Deanna, BREATHE!

About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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9 Responses to Give me your hand!

  1. pasupatidasi says:

    vent, rage, break something made of glass on the pavement! then calmly sweep it up while gathering your thoughts like shards … there are positive things to be done in the wake of any storm. the workshop would be an awesome way to reinforce against future damge…the aclu could help to remind your community of their legal duties as to the rights a person has.
    clearly you are in pain…you feel violated…
    part of you wants vindication, part of you wants revenge…
    all of these things are valid emotions in response to your experience.
    vent, rage, break something made of glass,
    then calmly sweep it up while gathering your thoughts like shards. and then, do what you can to prepare yourself for future storms.

  2. Validation for one’s feelings by others is a step toward healing and unfortunately an unintentional invalidation has already cost me my regular Qi Gong practice twice a week, on top of everything else.. Perhaps I should rethink a co-ed Karate class as I used to be a Karate student years ago and really enjoyed breaking noses, er, boards with my elbows.
    I think I will skip the breaking of glass things without good reason that a girlfriend said I could start doing once I started the hormone therapy in February. Banging around the kitchen when my two housemates are gone, now that’s different! BTW, the ACLU paralegal promised answers to my questions by Monday after he talks to the legal team.

  3. Ana Biele says:

    Things are topsy turvey and feeling very out of control….walk no DANCE over the lines and try not to be hard on yourself or others. Sending my love and light and if you need someone to talk to call me! Ana

  4. Kira says:

    Some days it doesn’t matter what anyone says or does, nothing makes the feelings go away, they just have to burn themselves out.

  5. Unfortunately true, although one hand held can often do more than that which a thousand words cannot!

  6. Caroline says:

    Set backs, and I had none as deep as yours from a group I trusted, many times left me feeling gutted and in despair. Sleepless nights going over plans to end it all if things reached my limit…

    Thankfully I hung in there and have finally found the peace I thought would never come and as people see my happiness they have mostly stepped closer and become more supportive.

    It sounds crass to write but it is the others who have the real problem, they are unthinking, uncaring uneducated fools who have acted in an abusive manner. You are an innocent victim and thankfully time will heal…

    PS Remember the high calorie count of alcoholic drinks, it will not just be the headache you regret!

    Sorry if this feels like sympathy or empathy, just a reminder that you will survive with lessons learned…

    Always here if you wish to contact. C xxx

    • Caroline, actually your comments are not at all like just saying “I’m sorry”, which to me is not my business either as I have enough to worry about than feeling like others are sorry for me. Sharing your own experience connects me to you.
      As for the drinks, my late father seems to have broken the cycle of alcoholism and abuse in his family and I do not lost control of my drinking except maybe a few times in college. I am not being unconscious about my alcohol consumption nor making it a big deal that I am drinking a little more than usual these past few days because beating myself up is part of the downward spiral which can only make things worse. As a professionally trained alcohol server I need to be even more responsible for myself as I do my customers because alcoholics are bad for business, especially if it is the server. I say, let’s drink to better days and let the past be bygones.
      Its strange to say this but this sudden and uncontrollable sorrow is going to make me a stronger and more sensitive woman, I just know it. I just have to take it one day at a time and not worry about what tomorrow will bring. Pleasant dreams I hope for you and especially myself!

  7. Eli says:

    I don’t like this post. So I didn’t “like” it. But I have nothing to offer sans internet empathy. But I did want you to know that I read this, and am thinking of you.


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