Father’s Day is fast approaching and I had completely forgotten about it, as could be understandable in my present state of head and heart but it all came rushing to the forefront of my awareness not as a thought but as a sudden burst of sobbing while taking a shower late this afternoon to get ready to go out and dance, after a day spent in blogging and making a few important phone calls that I had put off, including one to a therapist I spoke about in the last post and to a few contacts I made last month regarding rooms for rent in houses owned by other women. Last year, I didn’t spend it either with my wife or my son, who had moved out of town and pretty much out of our lives just seven months earlier, just as I had not spent any of the important holidays with either my son or my wife, including Christmas and Valentine’s Day, which had also been our wedding anniversary as well.
Its interesting that the sudden rush of emotion swept over me from memories of music playing in my head that I have been hearing weekly since last spring when I started to attend a Qi Gong practice led by a friend from the Celebration community when I was losing the capacity to walk and freely use my legs a month or so before I would learn the cause of my affliction, that being that my hips were gone. The music was part of her routine of music to play in the background of her instructions that she gave us “girls” throughout the hour practice. I was actually still very much a boy then and missing no longer living in our home, where we raised our son and where we shared the better part of a 30 year marriage.
Almost every time I heard this particular piece of music I would think about the fact that the relationship I once had with both my wife and son was gone. The memories were those of a young dad, his beautiful wife and their toddler little boy playing in a park with lush grass, a small lake, playing with the ducks and geese and just enjoying a Sunday together as a family. I also would lament the fact that back then, I could never live in the moment but would think ahead to work the next day or a job that needed to be attended to like the man I was supposed to be.
A lot of those hopes and memories began to fade last fall and as it became more apparent that my partner and I would never live together again as man and wife and as the spirit of Deanna began to press out and manifest herself in a feeling that is hard to describe to people like myself who had once been a scientific skeptic and would have easily scoffed had I heard my account of things going on inside me coming from lips not my own.
So as I stood naked and vulnerable in my shower, heaving without tears and unable to produce an audible sound, I recalled that this Sunday is Father’s Day. I will spend it full of much activity from early morning until late evening, yet I won’t spend it alone and feeling sorry for myself. Instead I will spend much of it in both the service and company of others, and those feelings of sadness and loss will be but more faded memories of a life that once was mine but is my life no longer.
To all you father’s out there, even if you don’t see yourself as a man these days, I wish you Happy Father’s Day. Just don’t let your children give you an ugly tie or one of those doormats that says “Man cave – No women Allowed”. Flower’s would be so much better this year and I do like chocolates, especially if they are filled with a nice sweet liquer which go so well with chilled shots of Maker’s Mark Kentucky Whiskey.