Why walk when you can fly?

My fellow blogger friend Becky, in her recent post “How Things Work (or I’m Proud That My Kids Are Mad at Me)” has once again brought to mind some yet unprocessed emotional baggage around the issue of my own marriage breaking up after thirty years because I feel that I hadn’t yet let go to the point that I don’t keeping hurting myself in strange ways, like breaking my big toe last Friday getting up from my computer where I had been reading and commenting all morning on blogs such as this one just before it happened.

I suppose that I will never fully process these and other issues enough to stop having to revisit them again and again but since the concept of reincarnation, which I don’t fully accept as a possibility, is still there to consider and be accepted or rejected as lessons that our souls have not fully grasped enough that we don’t have to keep repeating those mistakes lifetime after lifetime until we learn them enough to move on to our ultimate bliss, a prospect that doesn’t sound like it would be all that much fun.  I mean, what’s so great about eternal rest, anyway.  In fact, having to struggle seems to me to be one of life’s pleasures instead of a burden, which, to me, was put across as the curse of Adam and Eve in the Book of Genesis for having a mind which perceives duality, the so-called “knowledge of good and evil.”

To get to the point, I have only admitted to a small group of about ten people, who over the course of the months since last September have become a community of diverse personalities all committed to their own growth and the growth of each other, that my life up to this point has been a dismal failure; as a man, a father, a husband, in general, a person of integrity of who even I could be proud.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to wallow in self-pity as some form of retribution for my past mistakes, its just that I believe in the old adage that “…the truth shall set you free.”

I have already said this before in a previous post that part of the process in becoming the woman I’ve always wanted to be is how I will be able to get my life back in order after the shambles of my thirty years marriage brought on by my wife’s health issues along with my own need for hip surgery plus the new course my life has taken in the wake of it all.  The truth of it is that getting my life into some sense of order is not part of the process, it is the whole of the process.

This distinction is important because I can’t put the rest of my life on hold to process part of it while ignoring the rest.  I will only speak for myself to say that I have tried in the past to use as an excuse for not doing something that “I will get around to it as soon as I get my life in order.”  Some would say “…and how is that been working out for you?”

The real shift in my transition came when I wrote an ad for craigslist regarding my need of housing. I began the post by saying not that I am a woman transitioning but that I am a woman in transition, just like every other person who has found their life turned upside down by circumstances they could never have foreseen, despite their own self-deprecation asking the question “How could I not have seen this coming?”

So, on Friday I hurt myself in a way that I could have taken as a sign that maybe I unconsciously thought I needed a “break” and took myself literally as in the old saying “Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.”  I had been considering upping my participation in my spiritual community, The Celebration, by rejoining the facilitation team which I had joined in 2007 and soon afterward dramatically ended a fifteen plus year career as a tour guide by what I saw as another example of self-sabotage.  My mishap on Friday reinforced another way of looking at the situation, not as a call for pulling back but as a sign that I needed to open my wings and fly as I give my foot a rest for awhile.

Deanna

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About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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