Yesterday’s little drama brought up once more a painful old issue around self sabotage. The way I viewed these freak accidents in my past life as David was that they were wake-up calls to get me to see something that was just not working in my life and which had been trying to get my attention in every other way.
As I said in the post yesterday, I thought I was done with the whole self-mutilation thing when I chose to begin my transition into becoming the woman I always wanted to be. So far, things have been relatively effortless and painless with regard to creating the life I want for myself. I had to ask myself the question “Did I do this to punish myself for something, to wake me up where I had been asleep, or was this something else entirely.
My former housemate/landlord, who I had to move away from in March, would view this as my way to get the attention I lost from my parents when my sister was born and then got seriously ill before she was two, just as he believes my whole transitioning “thing” is just my unconscious way of getting the attention I lost as a child.
Though that may have been true at one time, that is his reasoning projected on me and I don’t believe for one minute that my transitioning has anything to do with getting attention nor do I see this as the case with my recent mishap. What I do see is that it will be a gift. Adverse turns of events generally turn out to be that way, if I embrace them instead of beat myself up with them and, most importantly, when I express gratitude for them without even yet recognizing the gift.
So! I am thankful for my little setback. It is a gift. I will let it reveal its magic, in its own time.