A bunch of lemons in search of some sugar and water

I can’t believe what I did to myself today, in the wake of a post I reblogged from Girl in Progress a few days a go called “Self Harm”.

As I was getting up from my desk to do something, I caught my left big toe on the bedspread which hung down to the floor and nearly ripped my toe off.  I didn’t feel that much pain and I cursed myself a little and when I looked down, it appeared that my big toe was hangly loosely from torn skin and blood was dripping everywhere.

Fortunately, I was able to hobble to the kitchen and wrap my toe with paper towel and slip on a pair of men’s moccasins before bleeding all over the place. I gingerly stepped into a pair of jeans, slipped on a bra and a blouse, grabbed my purse and keys and jumped into the car to drive myself to the emergency room at the local hospital without leaving a blood trail to startle my roomate when he got home from work.

After finding a place to park, I hobbled again towards the ER entrance and asked a couple of men talking outside if they could help me and they were able to get a wheelchair to take me to the front desk inside, located behind bullet-proof glass.  I then spent the next 4 hours or so sitting in a number of waiting areas, waiting to be admitted, waiting for X-rays to be taken and waiting to be examined and stitched up by a doctor and leaving huge pools of blood dripping on the floor each time.

In the x-ray room the tech had to contort my now weak left leg into a myriad of poses to get picture of the toe and after that it was another half hour and another pool of blood later that I got to a bed to have the doctor make the first physical examination.

I couldn’t believe the drama I created right in front of me at a hospital that only a year ago had given a new lease on life with my hip replacements now turning into a shadow of its former self, all to put profit before responsible patient care.

Now the point of this post is not about decrying the horror of how local medical care could have gone downhill so quickly and dramatically in only nine months but it has brought up the issue of self-sabotage that I had hoped I was done with since I began to live my life as I truly wanted it to be.

The end result of my ordeal, after being stitched up at the ER, three hours after I had arrived and sent still bleeding to a foot doctor’s office nearby to be properly stitched up was to learn that I would need to be off my feet as much as possible for the next 6 weeks or so to give time for my foot to heal and that the nail on my big toe would probably not grow right again.

Here I was yesterday, and the two days prior, driving and walking about town looking for work as a bartender, filling out applications and putting out resumes.  Here I am now having to stay off my feet as much as I can and walk around in a boot for the next six weeks which is certainly going to put a crimp in not only in looking for work, but in accepting a job where I am going to have to be nimble on my feet for hours at a time.  Talk about inconvenient and talk about DRAMA.

There has to be a silver lining to this cloud and right now I am going to have to let it present itself to me because I know that things will turn out, they always do. In the meantime, I don’t really know how I can proceed to find a job so that I don’t have to default on all the credit cards and loans for medical care not covered by my insurance and be able to pay rent and eat.

My savings from liquidating an insurance policy with cash value in it is such that I probably will have nothing but my social security left inside of maybe those six weeks it will take me to fully recover from this unusual turn of events and the worse that could happen is that I may have to declare bankruptcy.  Of course, the banks got their bailouts so why not the little gal, right? Yeah, RIGHT!

I must sound like a real drama queen by now but that was not the intent I had in putting this all down on a computer screen while it was still fresh in my mind and in my heart.  Life has thrown me quite a few lemons today and I am wondering how to make lemonade without sugar or water.  I certainly don’t need advice from those of you reading this because I know that somehow, in its own time, I will find water and I will find sugar and I will make lemonade.

All I ask is that you hold me in your thoughts and prayers as I know that some of you may already be doing.  And while you are at it, send this along to friends to add their thoughts and prayers as well.

After all, if I am going to be the author, casting director and star of my own little drama, I might as well be the producer and director as well.



About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
This entry was posted in Living in Grace, Possibilities, Shift Happens. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to A bunch of lemons in search of some sugar and water

  1. Becky says:

    This is indeed a challenging turn of events, but as long as you remain positive, things will work out. Good thoughts headed your way. 🙂


  2. Hi Deanna, that is just plain terrible! I’m so sorry! I will certainly keep you in my thoughts and prayers that a big bag of sugar comes and manages to sweeten this deal very soon. The best thoughts I have at the moment stem from my overall disenchantment with the medical community. That said, I think the 6 week limit is the doc giving the zero risk approach – i.e. within 6 weeks your toe will have healed beyond a shadow of a doubt and nothing should happen that you can sue him over. Being somewhat accident prone myself, my own experience (I can’t say this applies to everyone, but it’s a point of comparison) is that an injury of this level takes about a week or two before you can do what you want. It might pain you some, but Motrin will take care of that. May you have a very speedy recovery sister, and may your trouble have only bought you a week or two of rest rather than a financially crippling catastrophe. Much love, Michelle

    • Michelle, I had both hip joints replaced last summer and recovered much more quickly than anyone ever expected because I put my trust where it belonged, in myself and not what the doctors told me. I know that will happen again as long as let go of my mind and listen to my body and soul, with a little help from my friends. (I was born on the same date as Ringo Starr)

  3. Kira says:

    This is just to wish you a “Get Well Soon!”
    No preaching I promise!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s