Reading this post has re-opened a can a worms for me that I had not fully connected to my belief that I should have been my mother’s daughter instead of a third son.  I have been aware for many years that I have had a penchant for self sabotage and while I have not intentionally tried to mutilate myself, on many occasions, I have tried to do harm to my body with little accidents and when that didn’t work, I would have an accident causing damage to an employer’s property that would get me fired which effectively removed me from the apparent source of my anxiety while the real source of my anxiety stemmed from unworthiness, what my mother called the fear of success.

Since I began to transition, I seemed to have stopped most of the self-sabotage except maybe spending too much money on credit cards when I have not yet found a job to supplement my social security. I am working on that even as I am taking time out to comment on the re-blog that started this and it has given me another avenue of exploration into a phenomenon that has plagued me with disaster on more than one occasion in my life.

I would like to thank jeniuk for her post and I plan to revisit this subject again.

Deanna

Girl in Progress

I originally posted this on my old blog about 4 years ago, I had lost everything I posted… but recently found a notebook with half my posts in, it is still very current.

When you are in the deepest, darkest pits of depression and your coping resources have run dry, its difficult to know what to do to try to continue to cope. Your judgement will be completely clouded, and things which you previously thought to be an unthinkable option, suddenly seem like such a good idea.

In this situation, some people, myself included, turn to harming themselves as a way to release the pain. It can take many forms including cutting, scratching, pulling hair out or overdosing. Very few people on the “outside” understand what is happening if they find out. Many will brand it as attention seeking, most people will insist that you stop, this only leads to…

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About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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