On feelings of invalidation and changing my mind

My online TG friend, Michelle posted this blog “Conditions to Transition” which brought to mind how feelings of invalidation on what I have chosen to do has, in the past at least, sometimes brought me to the edge of despair.

I have to admit to feelings of invalidation when I have read about someone changing their minds not to have some kind of surgery at the last minute to bring them closer in alignment on the outside as they feel on the inside or even when I read about those who are still trying to live two different lives in an atmosphere of fear or indecision.

Thankfully, I have also come to expect thoughts like these to show up, not as a matter of choice but simply as a matter of being human. My religious up bringing taught me that having “bad” thoughts about another person made me a sinner even if I didn’t act on them but I have long since rejected that notion because I have a choice to allow my thoughts to become truth or simply let them float by and disappear with the wind.

One of the joys of being a woman in my cultural milieu is that women are expected to be able to change their minds for no apparent reason. As a man, this was a sign of weakness but as a woman I can do this without shame just like I can wear a skirt and bare my legs in public and even let my breasts peek from under a flimsy blouse.

I believe that I will still be invalidated whenever I read about people changing the direction of their journeys.  It will show up as an invalidation of them as that is the nature of both shadow and projection, where I take my disowned feelings and cast them on another.  Doing that is not bad or wrong nor does it make me a sinner in the eyes of a questionable deity far removed from the everyday musings of my species.

There are those that are want to say that being human is either a curse or a blessing, neither or both.  To contemplate life in such dualities is simply “what’s so” and yet it is also “so what.”

Deanna

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About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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One Response to On feelings of invalidation and changing my mind

  1. Ugh, I remember “bad thoughts” now and it reminds me why I haven’t been to church in about 23 years. I don’t think you are wrong to think this – having examples out there that shore up the notion that we are just making it all up doesn’t help. I think it’s OK to have feelings about it. I do. When all is said and done though, I’m still Michelle and nothing can take that from me. 🙂

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