A Sexual Awakening

Last night and early this morning I had some fantastic dreams.  I haven’t been dreaming much lately, if fact, almost not at all.  Instead, I have been having many sleepless nights, catching a few winks here and there just before its time to get up or waking up more than once in the night in cold, wet, night-clothes.

The gist of the dreams were about sex and drugs.  In the first dream, I found myself with a girl being attracted to me and I am not clear if she wanted me because I was a man or a woman who was kind in her hour of need.  In the second, I was a volunteer, in an experiment of sorts, to have an unknown cocktail of drugs and alcohol administered to me.  A mentor, who was given the task of guiding me through this process and for some time afterward, like maybe weeks or months, asked me if I had someone, meaning a girlfriend, and I told him that I just started a relationship with one, referring to the girl in the first dream.  The dream ended with me dancing in a small room full of people and me hugging one of the dancers for support.

I awoke from the dream with a longing for a girlfriend.  Since I began my hormone treatments a few months ago I have lost my libido, thank goodness as well as any ability for sexual arousal, at least down south, even though now and again I have had a measure of wanting in my head. I have, however, become more sensitive in my breasts and especially my nipples and have longed the gentle caress by another person.  I have had these thoughts that it would be a man but as I awoke, it was abundantly clear to me that a man could not fulfill this longing for another woman’s touch because I am clear that she will have a better understanding for what a woman needs in both a sensual and sexual way.

I have wondered, since I finally came to the unmistakable conclusion that I was a woman in heart and soul, if not in body, whether I was still straight as a woman as I was as a man or whether there was the possibility whether I might be bi-sexual or perhaps even a lesbian by orientation.  The answer is no more clearer to me now intellectually but in my heart  and my body I just know that, for the time being, I want the intimacy of another woman.

I am not bothered by this sudden awakening the least one bit and I am actually quite titillated (excuse the pun) in thinking about who, among the women I know, might be the least interested in being with me in some sort of sexually intimate way.  I still can’t climax, at least I don’t think that I can, but I do feel this longing for the touching and the intimacy of the pressing of lips and the tender caresses on smooth skin, both hers and mine.


About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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1 Response to A Sexual Awakening

  1. Pingback: Learning the meaning of “I’ve got a headache!” on my blog I Am Deanna

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