Last night and early this morning I had some fantastic dreams. I haven’t been dreaming much lately, if fact, almost not at all. Instead, I have been having many sleepless nights, catching a few winks here and there just before its time to get up or waking up more than once in the night in cold, wet, night-clothes.
The gist of the dreams were about sex and drugs. In the first dream, I found myself with a girl being attracted to me and I am not clear if she wanted me because I was a man or a woman who was kind in her hour of need. In the second, I was a volunteer, in an experiment of sorts, to have an unknown cocktail of drugs and alcohol administered to me. A mentor, who was given the task of guiding me through this process and for some time afterward, like maybe weeks or months, asked me if I had someone, meaning a girlfriend, and I told him that I just started a relationship with one, referring to the girl in the first dream. The dream ended with me dancing in a small room full of people and me hugging one of the dancers for support.
I awoke from the dream with a longing for a girlfriend. Since I began my hormone treatments a few months ago I have lost my libido, thank goodness as well as any ability for sexual arousal, at least down south, even though now and again I have had a measure of wanting in my head. I have, however, become more sensitive in my breasts and especially my nipples and have longed the gentle caress by another person. I have had these thoughts that it would be a man but as I awoke, it was abundantly clear to me that a man could not fulfill this longing for another woman’s touch because I am clear that she will have a better understanding for what a woman needs in both a sensual and sexual way.
I have wondered, since I finally came to the unmistakable conclusion that I was a woman in heart and soul, if not in body, whether I was still straight as a woman as I was as a man or whether there was the possibility whether I might be bi-sexual or perhaps even a lesbian by orientation. The answer is no more clearer to me now intellectually but in my heart and my body I just know that, for the time being, I want the intimacy of another woman.
I am not bothered by this sudden awakening the least one bit and I am actually quite titillated (excuse the pun) in thinking about who, among the women I know, might be the least interested in being with me in some sort of sexually intimate way. I still can’t climax, at least I don’t think that I can, but I do feel this longing for the touching and the intimacy of the pressing of lips and the tender caresses on smooth skin, both hers and mine.