When I stopped pretending to be the man I was expected to be; the brother, the father, the husband, even the male buddy who pretended to fit in and simply let people know that I couldn’t be that way anymore, it was like I reached a critical mass of energy that super-charged my body like a character in a Marvel Comic book who suddenly found herself imbued with super powers.
Even with all this new found energy and strength, I found people around me distancing themselves from me, sometimes in subtle ways and more often in obvious ones. Admittedly, I took this personally like I had done something wrong and so I felt alone among those that meant the most to me and even those to whom it did not seem to matter that much.
As the man I once was, I would have retreated back into my turtle shell of feeling lonely and blaming myself for my inability to reach out to get the love and affection that I craved. I even continued to follow this old pattern of behavior into the early stages of my transition until one day in a therapy session I told my therapist that I was having trouble connecting with women.
Out of that simple statement I had taken for granted as being factual, I found myself starting conversations with women everywhere I went; at the grocery store, in the lingerie section of a department store, even at the nail salon and they were conversations that never could have happened if I still regarded myself as a man.
What has changed everything for me is a shift in consciousness that has made all the difference in my life. Before the shift, I went around counting my losses each time I didn’t receive the love and affection that I craved so much. This pattern started after my sister was born and I deeply felt the loss of attention I received as the baby in the family. I even may have made up the belief that I’ve always held that had I been born a daughter instead of the third son then things would have been so different. In fact, as I mentioned in an earlier post, had I been a daughter then my parents wouldn’t have tried once more.
The moment I stopped counting the losses and started being grateful for the gains, I have become more and more comfortable with just being Deanna. To those people who I had perceived as distancing themselves from me, I now accept and love them for just being however they are choosing to be with me. Now, more than ever before, people seem to be gravitating toward me like I have created a gravity well of love and acceptance of letting people be exactly who they are instead of the way I want them to be and thus the world becomes a reflection of my own consciousness.