When I stopped counting my losses

When I stopped pretending to be the man I was expected to be; the brother, the father, the husband, even the male buddy who pretended to fit in and simply let people know that I couldn’t be that way anymore, it was like I reached a critical mass of energy that super-charged my body like a character in a Marvel Comic book who suddenly found herself imbued with super powers.

Even with all this new found energy and strength, I found people around me distancing themselves from me, sometimes in subtle ways and more often in obvious ones. Admittedly, I took this personally like I had done something wrong and so I felt alone among those that meant the most to me and even those to whom it did not seem to matter that much.

As the man I once was, I would have retreated back into my turtle shell of feeling lonely and blaming myself for my inability to reach out to get the love and affection that I craved. I even continued to follow this old pattern of behavior into the early stages of my transition until one day in a therapy session I told my therapist that I was having trouble connecting with women.

Out of that simple statement I had taken for granted as being factual,  I found myself starting conversations with women everywhere I went; at the grocery store, in the lingerie section of a department store, even at the nail salon and they were conversations that never could have happened if I still regarded myself as a man.

What has changed everything for me is a shift in consciousness that has made all the difference in my life.  Before the shift, I went around counting my losses each time I didn’t receive the love and affection that I craved so much. This pattern started after my sister was born and I deeply felt the loss of attention I received as the baby in the family.  I even may have made up the belief that I’ve always held that had I been born a daughter instead of the third son then things would have been so different.  In fact, as I mentioned in an earlier post, had I been a daughter then my parents wouldn’t have tried once more.

The moment I stopped counting the losses and started being grateful for the gains, I have become more and more comfortable with just being Deanna.  To those people who I had perceived as distancing themselves from me, I now accept and love them for just being however they are choosing to be with me.  Now, more than ever before, people seem to be gravitating toward me like I have created a gravity well of love and acceptance of letting people be exactly who they are instead of the way I want them to be and thus the world becomes a reflection of my own consciousness.



About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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One Response to When I stopped counting my losses

  1. Hi, Deanna —

    I think you have it just right when you say that live improved after “I stopped counting the losses and started being grateful for the gains.” By rights, I should be down and depressed at having lost my home and almost my entire life’s savings through divorce and transition. Instead, I feel I’m 57 going on 27. Life is new, exciting, and ever so right. May yours be the same.

    Best from Bucharest,

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