A humble correction to my post “The burden and the gift”

I feel that it is fair that I offer a correction to an important detail in my last post that unfairly portrays my partner in a very bad light.  She does not deserve to be portrayed in that way and for that I am truly sorry.

They way I put it in the post was that my partner asked me to leave on our 30th wedding anniversary.  My recollection of events, which has been tainted by my feelings of anger and guilt and which has been wired into the synapses of my brain, as memories do over time, is that she had asked me to move out for awhile, perhaps six weeks or so and that conversation happened about a week or possibly two before our anniversary.  The way she put it, as my recollection goes, was that she needed some time by herself without my “male” energy and originally suggested that I go spend some time with my sister who lives back East.

At the time, it was getting more and more difficult for me to deal with the pain in my legs and knees that would eventually lead to the discovery that I had no cartilage at all in my hip joints and that both hips would need to be replaced.  When she had suggested the trip to see my sister, I knew that it was out of the question for me to do that and over the next few days, as I recall, I got more resistant to the thought of leaving at all.  On Friday of that week or possibly the next, I simply told her that I was not going to be moving and she said to me that she was going to have to find a way to move herself.

As bad as my own mobility challenges were becoming, they were in no comparison to her challenges and the next day, the Saturday before our anniversary, I took a long drive and returned in the early evening, after a beautiful winter’s sunset, to a restaurant to pick up some dinner.  There I  met a friend, a brother in men’s work in which I was engaged, who was eating with his female companion.  I said to them that it was not my usual to be stopping here like this and my friend said that it was not their usual place to eat out either.

I told him of my plight and almost immediately, he suggested another man in our group as a possible candidate for a place to stay for a while.  I called the man that evening and asked if I could come over to discuss the possibility of staying with him for about six weeks or so and we struck a deal then and there and I could start moving what I would be needing to his house the next day, a Sunday and the day before my partner’s and my anniversary.

What had transpired in that conversation in the restaurant was nothing short of miraculous.  In the space of moments, almost out of time completely, I had gone from hopelessness to being able to create a solution to comply with my partner’s request.  As it was, my partner and I had lunch on our anniversary but did not make plans for the evening so I was able to move the rest of my stuff to the house where I was to be staying and spent the night of our anniversary there. I was able to move, despite all that was going on within my body, because I was no longer resistant to the move as I had been before and was now making it a choice.

To make an even longer story short, about four or five weeks into my time away from my partner, a mutual friend and a healer called me from out of state to discuss my staying away for a longer time than I had originally planned and suggested that I might look at six months or so.  I looked to see how I could financially handle such an extended stay and came up with a plan and discussed it with the man with whom I was residing and was able to work out an equitable arrangement.

The next few months would be difficult to say the least, as my health rapidly deteriorated to the point that I would require the hip surgery.  It was a period of real growth for me to be away from my partner, on whom I had unfairly leaned upon for much of our thirty years together.  It was a real gift for me to be able to handle each new challenge as it presented itself and I think was essential to my discovery of why I had been such a failure as a man, a husband and a father.

In closing, I want to once again reiterate that my partner has given me a gift that I can only repay by being a woman of integrity, humility, grace and beauty.  I know that I have unfairly misrepresented her and hope that this update can possibly relieve her of that burden I have so unfairly placed upon her.


About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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