On living an extraordinary life

I had an epiphany today from a girl friend who called me brave once more.  In thanking her for that expression and her expression of love for me, it finally dawned on me why I have bristled so much at the thought of people projecting on me their own desire to be as brave as they see me.

When she called me brave, the question arose as to whether or not my choosing to be happy and comfortable with who I am as compared to being unhappy and miserable with who I am not was really about bravery or was it simply about living my soul’s desire, at any and all costs.

We all have our heroes and our villains and one thing that holds them in common is that they are people who we think we are not.  For the heroes, we wish that we could be like them and for the villains, we vehemently deny that we could ever be like them.  We give our energy away to them, whether we like it or not, and in doing so, we give them our power.

When I came to the realization that my soul’s desire in this life was to live as a woman, to be seen as female in all respects and to be able to have reflected back to me that of my own projection, as it is called in the parlance, my presentation as female.  In the beginning of my transition, which is a term for the process of making what people see on the outside becoming aligned with what I feel inside, I saw it all backwards and felt that I had to be able to pass as female on the outside in order to be able to be comfortable with myself inside.

Nothing could have been farther from the truth and thankfully I realized it from the start, even though I often fell back into the idea that I was nothing but a fake, that I could never be a real woman and that all was for naught.  I would live my days in doubt asking myself what was I thinking and try to recover my sense of my true self at night, in my private spaces and in my dreams.

What I finally realized is that what I have been doing with those that called me brave was projecting my own desire for others to live a life that is extraordinary.  I had once thought that to be extraordinary took courage and on the outside it does look like courage. On the inside, I now know that it is not courage that is driving me to do things that others will call extraordinary.

What I know now is that all it takes for me to live an extraordinary life is to simply live my soul’s desire and the rest becomes simply a matter of doing what comes next to do, nothing more and nothing less.  My legacy is for others to speak about and share after I’m gone and whether I am remembered or forgotten, I will have achieved immortality.



About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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