Shifting into Overdrive

I haven’t written a post in a while but I have been writing comments to other bloggers with whom I share an affinity and it finally dawned on me the reason why I haven’t tended to my own.

When I began this blog in early December, shortly after I was born as Deanna, November 27, 2011, I was writing it more like a journal rather than a blog, a point that my dear sister-in-law pointed out to me when she was visiting with my brother a few weeks back on their way home from meeting their first grandchild.  I didn’t know quite what she meant then but it all makes sense to me now.

The purpose of this blog was and is to share my transition from the man I once was toward the woman I’ve always wanted to be.  Looking back now I see that what I did was a necessary step in the right direction and the analogy I am now using to describe those first tenuous steps and where I am now as that of the shifting of gears on a motor vehicle.

In December, I began the long slow grind of first gear, the gear that requires the most amount of power from the engine and which produces the least amount of effective movement, forward or backward.  That gear was represented by everything I was reporting as events and feelings, such as why I felt like wearing or not wearing a bra at home or what little victory I won that put me closer to a goal, such as legally changing my name.

Second gear was a slight change from first as I noticed how quickly I was moving forward after the month long wait for my name change to become final and the couple of weeks following when I began my hormone therapy.  Once that process began I shifted  into third gear, with less effort and struggle and more and more positive results and even more quickly than the shift from second to third, I shifted into fourth and began to cruise.

So, this past month, which is not yet over, I have moved from the motel I was staying in for the month of March into sharing a townhouse with a lovely, open, Gay man and his cute little poodle, Buddy. I began and am now about six hours and two timed speed tests away from graduating from Bartender’s school and I have begun a course of medically necessary and cosmetic dental work that I knew I was going to need, sooner than later, which was actually brought about because a molar that began screaming so loud to be removed that it has had me in utter agony for almost two weeks and caused me to delay my completion of Bartender’s School by several weeks.

Throughout all of this, I have needed to be out and about and the comfort level I have been feeling with my feminine presentation and as to  how I am generally feeling about myself inside that has little or nothing at all to do with any gender specific reason has been so, how else can I say it, normal for me, that given the fact that I have never felt this way before in my life, I can still yet say that most of what I have felt has been unremarkable and certainly nothing to write about in my blog.

Returning to my analogy of shifting gears on a motor vehicle, I have come to the point in my transition that I am hardly thinking about my life anymore as being one of transition.  Yes, I still want a vagina. I still want to experience the sensations and the joy of sexual climax with a man inside of me.  I want these things bad enough that I know I can manifest these things when the time is right and no sooner or later.

In the meantime, I am living the life of the woman of my dreams. I am cruising well beyond fourth or even fifth gears.  I am really beyond the need for any gear at all, for I am moving forward with almost no effort and with maximum positive results.  I am in overdrive and cruising into a future no more certain that before.  I could crash and burn, but why worry about it for that would only make me a worry-wart and a party-pooper and who could possibly want someone like that hanging around, especially at a gazillion feet per second squared?

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About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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One Response to Shifting into Overdrive

  1. Kira says:

    Deanna,
    I’m glad that you have reached this point, where you no longer need labels to describe who you are, you simply are.
    I’m no where near that point, but that is my goal, that no matter what I see in the mirror, I will only see myself.

    Kira

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