A week in the life of a single girl

Its been almost two weeks since I first woke up in a cheap motel.  On the day that I had moved in, I had three possibilities come up after I put a situation wanted ad on craigslist but they all fell through and set me as quickly back to square one as they had looked like I could finally make something happen.

Still, I am much much happier being single and alone and not having to deal with the oppressive atmosphere of worrying about the man I once called friend and housemate who wanted to live alone again.  I doubt that we can be friends anymore but it won’t be because he doesn’t want to be friends, its because he doesn’t seem to know how to be a friend.  Before I moved out I offered him a gift, to sit down and close the book on this chapter of our lives together but he found reasons not to do so and I will not hold my breath waiting for him to chat. I wish him well.

I feel like I am being baptized into this new life of being a woman in transition and I don’t mean that I am transitioning into being a woman. I mean that I already am a woman, save for a few physical changes that need to be made, and I am experiencing what every woman must go through sometime in her life when the comfortable world that she has known suddenly comes crashing down around her and she must pick herself up, get on with her life  and just enjoy how the challenges will make her even stronger and more competent to be able to take care of herself.

Since this past Monday, when I had a fitness evaluation at our local city recreation center, did a short workout on some of the equipment and mile walk on the indoor track, I have been laid up with a cold that yet seems to want to go away.  I have remain confined to my room pretty much the whole time except for venturing out yesterday evening to shop for some USB extention cables and to stock up on food that I can eat without much cooking other than that which I can heat in a microwave or in a toaster.

I have used the time to write up some minutes from our Monday evening meeting of the executive board, now called the community council of my sacred ecstatic dance community to which I was recently elected, take frequent naps in between trying to get reconnected online with the iffy wifi in my motel room and write an email to my therapist about how I could no longer afford seeing her on a weekly basis until I improve my income stream with a job. I had thought that my cold might have something to do with communicating with her my truth, but it seems now not to be the cause.

This is the first cold that I have had in many a year and certainly has been one of the most lingering one at that.  It makes me wonder if letting down my guard which had kept me stuck in living as a man and now dropped away in my coming out and living my life fully as a woman might have anything to do with it or is it just a cold like the one I have been told by others “is just going around?” The truth is that anything my mind could make up about my cold could be the right one and in dwelling over it could just make it harder to shake.

Today, I went to the motel office and charged my bank account for yet a third week in this place I have called home since I moved out of my former friend’s home two weeks ago.  As much as my head and throat hurts right now, it will pass and I can get back into the swing of life and move forward toward creating this new life for myself, the life of a beautiful, confident and competent single woman. Writing this post in the motel’s lobby because the wifi works better here has been therapeutic and given me a breath of fresh air, so to speak. It’s just another week in the life of a newly minted single girl.

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About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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