Living in Grace

This week I have three appointments all having to do with my transition.  The first is my third laser hair removal treatment of five, a one month checkup for my hormone therapy and a second session with a therapist.  However, the big event of the week is moving from my home for the past year.

A lot has transpired in that year.  I moved out of the home I shared with my marriage partner of thirty years on the very day of what would have been our thirtieth wedding anniversary, Valentine’s Day 2011. It was also the home where we raised our son who is now living on his own in another state.  I am very excited about the move this time and despite all I went through with my housemate who I had once seen as a brother and friend, I will take my leave from him now as a complete stranger, with absolutely no regrets or nostalgia for our history together.

For the past two months since he originally asked me to move out at the end of December,  less than a week before Christmas,  I have been terrified with the prospect of leaving this comfortable little shell I had created for myself here in his home over the last year, where I had found the space to begin my transition. I managed to use a combination of girlish sobbing and latching onto what might still be left of any empathy he might have, not just for me as a girl, but as a fellow human being in need and was able to stave off my move for one more month and then another until I was able to finally reach a point to discover that all I needed to do was to trust myself in my process.

So today, as I am writing this, not knowing as yet where I will be come this weekend, a fellow with whom I might be sharing a place to live called me to tell me that we would have to postpone our meeting today and I calmly rescheduled for tomorrow.  I am not ready to consider staying in a cheap motel for awhile as yet but I am prepared to do that if I must. Meanwhile I have put a good amount of stuff in storage at my house where I can no longer share with my spouse until I have landed somewhere and the rest that I will need for the immediate future is all but ready to load in the car at a moments notice.

Another blogger spoke about finding equilibrium and I was going to title this post  “Finding equilibrium” but I have found something even more profound than that. I have found grace and it is clear to me that it came from surrendering myself to my sacred feminine.  Whereas I was in a panic and terrified at how I would be able to leave this place I have called home for the past year, now it doesn’t matter how it will unfold because I know without any doubt that it will unfold exactly as it does.

Deanna Joy


About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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