Remembering to be my own best friend instead of my own worst enemy

I have made a commitment with my housemate, landlord and friend to be out of his house by the end of February so that he can have his own space back. He took me in a year ago when I needed a place to live on very short notice and the original agreement had been for about six weeks, then six months and has now stretched into a year, not forgetting the fact that when moved in I was fellow warrior brother in a men’s organization called the Mankind Project and now, in front of his eyes, I had become a sister who was no longer able to share in the brotherhood of which I had once been a part.  Since the end of last month when he allowed me one more month to get myself another living situation, I have been almost petrified by the fear of not knowing if I could manifest a situation and my life as the girl/woman I want to be was beginning to feel like it was being derailed before it had a chance to leave the station.

Then last week, on the day before Valentine’s Day, I was called to deliver flowers for my former employer and for the next two days I felt a relief in knowing that I was still wanted by someone where I had been feeling unwanted in my failure to secure a new place to live.

In the midst of my struggle, I experienced a shift in my consciousness and since that moment, the struggle has virtually disappeared.  An analogy that I am prone to use comes from a story I once heard about a wildfire that was raging near a town and if could not be stopped, the town could be lost.  Someone asked the fire chief if anything could be done and the fire chief replied that nothing could save them now except a shift in the wind.

It is now less than a week until the deadline and I am still without a plan except possibly to stay for awhile in a local motel that has some kitchenettes and that I could possibly get a large break in rent if I stay at least a month or more.  I still don’t even know this for sure, but at least I have stepped out of my comfort zone to see a possibility I had not even considered just a week and a half ago.

Meanwhile, just yesterday, I had my first session with a therapist and I am already thinking about possibilities of starting a whole new career, first as a bartender which I could train for in just two weeks and then going back to school for a couple of years at a local college to become a counselor possibly for people like myself.  With my car still in the shop from my breakdown the night before, I caught a ride with my housemate going in that direction and after the session I was able to walk home in an hour and a half which was only half again as long as my hour walks that I have been giving myself lately to get back in shape from my hip surgery last summer and to develop a girlish figure with a minimum of medical intervention such as liposuction or other body sculpting procedures.

Today I had a hot wax on my legs at the home of a girlfriend who has recently started her own skincare business.  With my car still in the shop, I was able to catch a ride again with my housemate as he was going in that direction and even though it would be two hours before my appointment I had him drop me off at the florist near where my appointment was to be and for whom I had helped out just last week, where I could just hang out for an hour or so chatting with the girls. While I was there I showed them on the computer my blog and my Facebook page and now one of the girls has asked to be a Facebook friend. After an hour I said goodbye and they told me not to be such a stranger. I promised I would and then walked over toward my appointment and around the neighborhood to kill another hour before showing up at my appointment a few minutes early.  After the appointment my girlfriend was going downtown and was able to drop me off  at home.

The real shift in the wind for me is being able to allow myself to create a context for possibilities instead of only seeing problems to be solved.  In allowing myself to step out of my comfort zone, which for most of my life has been about anticipating the worst case scenario instead of expecting the best outcome to manifest with effortlessness, I have been my own worst enemy.   The shift in the wind has allowed me to remember to be my own best friend.



About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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