Spending Valentine’s Day with my Sweetheart

Tomorrow,  I am spending the entire day, every waking and sleeping moment, with a girl in whom I am madly in love.  Her name is Deanna.   It has taken me a lifetime to find her and there is no way that I am ever going to let her go.

I have never in my wildest dreams ever believed that I would ever find her for I didn’t even believe until most recently that she already was living within me, just waiting for the right moment to come out and show herself. Knowing now that she has been a part of me for my whole life up until now, I am still pinching myself to see if she is not really just a dream, just a figment of my imagination.  Oh, she is real alright, yet at times I still want to tell myself she is only an apparition, a ghost, if you will, that is laughing at me from beyond a veil of a reality and that is little more than a random probability or possibility  rather than a real live, in the flesh, woman.

I believe most of us go through life living somewhere else than in the present. As I watch my fellow human beings go about their lives from the perspective that this is all there is, acting out their lives as players on the stage rather than the director who call the shots, I am humbled by being able to glimpse, even just for the moment, that I am actor, director and producer of the dramas I have authored, that of becoming the girl of my dreams and who is the love of my life.

When the dawn approaches on this day of days, I will rise a little earlier than normal, say 6:15 rather than 6:45 as I have been rising of late.  I will go to the bathroom to sit and relieve my bladder, then I will stand at the mirror to begin my morning routine, a very new routine of late, a routine that brings both joy and pain, yet a routine that is so much of the stuff that is my life now.

I will shave, a process I both loathe for its reminder of who I have been and also a chance to be intimate with a face I have neglected for too long.  I never before knew what a delight it has become to be intimate with both face and body, a sensual experience that most women have enjoyed and yet sometimes reviled, yet an experience that few men will ever allow themselves to experience.

I do love this imperfect girl, whose face is still more that of a hardened man but still within the possibilities of transformation into a soft glowing woman.  I feel the growing softness in my skin as I stroke my face before I begin to put on the makeup that will hide so many of the blemishes I once ignored, and, in so doing, be the very expression of what it means to be in love with myself.

I will make myself some breakfast, then dress for a day of work delivering flowers for my former employer, a flower shop with whom I gave my best for almost three years past.  With each and every delivery I make, I will strive also to give of myself, wishing each and every one who I will touch this day with the love I am giving to myself.

Happy Valentine’s Day to one and all.



About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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