An angel who has forgotten where she put her wings

When I began this journey just a few short months ago I was feeling only the joy of what I was finally doing for myself, not what others had wanted for me. In this joy, I have stepped out into the world as Deanna, a girl who has been hiding for over sixty years in the body of a boy and a man named David. Since my legal name change just a few weeks ago, I have been feeling mostly despair and I have felt so alone in it, even though I have tried to convince myself otherwise.

Inside of this despair, I have all but shut out those who I have brought into my life to help me on this journey and I am finding it hard to reach out.  I know that this is nothing new for me.  I know this despair like the back of my own hand and I must remind myself that on the level of soul I am simply forgetting who I am for a little while.  Telling myself this at this moment does not take away the pain from my body.    Trying to put on a stiff upper lip doesn’t dry my tears.

I am listening to a voice telling me that I am an angel and I am wondering where I put my wings?

Every so often on Sundays with my spiritual family The Celebration, we sing a song called “Love, Serve and Remember”  by John Astin .  I sit here writing and crying big crocodile tears as I listen to the song, and I remember how I so love being that girl.

Deanna Joy Hallmark

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About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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One Response to An angel who has forgotten where she put her wings

  1. Mark Perry says:

    Deanna, I am Harriette’s son-in-law. You asked her to share your post and she shared it with me among others. I believe we may have met at The Celebration years ago but I’m not certain. It’s been many years since I’ve been participating there. I was moved by your post and what you are dealing with. It seems that you are reaching out even though it may feel difficult. I’ve helped others move through similar transformation and would be happy to be a resource for you if you so choose. If you would like to talk with me about that possibility, please feel free to call me at 505-920-6149 or email me at mark@amatterofthemind.com
    Blessings, Mark Perry

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