When I began this journey just a few short months ago I was feeling only the joy of what I was finally doing for myself, not what others had wanted for me. In this joy, I have stepped out into the world as Deanna, a girl who has been hiding for over sixty years in the body of a boy and a man named David. Since my legal name change just a few weeks ago, I have been feeling mostly despair and I have felt so alone in it, even though I have tried to convince myself otherwise.
Inside of this despair, I have all but shut out those who I have brought into my life to help me on this journey and I am finding it hard to reach out. I know that this is nothing new for me. I know this despair like the back of my own hand and I must remind myself that on the level of soul I am simply forgetting who I am for a little while. Telling myself this at this moment does not take away the pain from my body. Trying to put on a stiff upper lip doesn’t dry my tears.
I am listening to a voice telling me that I am an angel and I am wondering where I put my wings?
Every so often on Sundays with my spiritual family The Celebration, we sing a song called “Love, Serve and Remember” by John Astin . I sit here writing and crying big crocodile tears as I listen to the song, and I remember how I so love being that girl.
Deanna Joy Hallmark