In my mind, I am already there

It could be wishful thinking, but I swear my breasts are growing.  I’ve read that it’s supposed to happen with taking estrogen but I haven’t started that yet, and I do so look forward to when I can.  Before my transition began in earnest I was wearing B-cup bras but because they kept riding up I have switched to C-cups as I have “surgically” removed all the padding and shaping so that what people see is really almost entirely “me.”

Except when I am sleeping I usually wear a bra because my bust is the one secondary sexual characteristics of being female that is already a reality for me although I do wish that they were a cup size or two bigger,  if for nothing else, to “make me feel more like a natural woman.”

Yesterday I had my first hot wax of my legs and arms and for the most part, it was really fun.  Last night I used a depilatory on my breasts and over my midsection and exhilarated in caressing myself from breast to toes as I laid in bed after a warm bath in mineral salts.  Today, I had the first of five Laser hair removal treatments I am taking to permanently remove all the hair on my lower face.

Both last evening and this one I have been reveling in feeling and caressing my skin, from legs to breasts and now to my face and it gives me joy like I never could have thought was possible even a couple of months ago.  The tentative baby steps I was taking in November have now grown into leaps in January and despite my daily nudges of doubt, I feel more and more confident that I will achieve the dream of my lifetime in as little as a year.

Through all of this remains the fact that I am not fully female as yet which leads to daily thoughts that I am crazy to think that I  can actually be one in all respects but I am doing everything I know to get me there as soon as it is medically possible.  I am finding more and more people in both the medical and cosmetic communities are not only sympathetic to my desire but are rooting for me to follow my dream wherever it will take me.

The sooner I begin my hormone therapy, the sooner I will be to the day I wake up with a vagina, so it is time to press my medical providers for that process to begin sooner than later and bring me that much closer to the day which I already can feel will be the happiest day of my life.  They will have their own medical doubts and concerns, but as far as I am concerned, in my mind, I am already there.


About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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