What is a girl to do about this face?

Today I made an appointment at a local Medical Spa for a consultation about having laser hair removal on my face.  What I know about the procedure is that the hair must be dark but as I have been letting my beard grow out these past couple of days most of what I am seeing is gray.  I wonder how this can be because as I have been shaving my face real closely each and every day before I put on a makeup base, all that I can see is the black shadow of my beard that even makeup has a hard time covering up.

Right at this moment I am very disappointed and worried but at the same time I am holding on to the hope that there is a solution to this problem without having to go through the time and expense of electrolysis which, according to an electrolysis person I spoke to just yesterday, could take up to a year to complete.

The problem that arises at this moment does so from the idea that I must be able to appear as much a woman as is possible on the outside in order to feel as much a woman on the inside.  I have challenged this notion by the way I have proceeded in my coming out, but the issue still nags me at least a couple of times a day.  Still, at night, when I am alone with my body, mind and soul, I can believe that I am that woman I want to be but when I go out into the public eye in the light of day, the doubts creep back in.

Still, I often feel this way whenever it is time for going to sleep and lately I have awakened in the morning with a whole new outlook on the situation. Perhaps if I just relax and let the next thirteen hours until my appointment pass with the belief that there is a solution that will present itself in its proper time and that exists at a higher level of consciousness than that in which the problem is perceived, I can let my concerns fade as I fade into a blissful state of dreaming that I am already where I want to be.

Good night, dear friends.



About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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