Invoking the power of my Feminine side

For the last few nights I have been wearing only a satiny camisole and a pair of bikini panties to bed.  On the chilly nights, any sensible woman would opt for something warm and fuzzy, but, then again, I’m not exactly a “sensible” woman.  The sensual nature of the material and being able to touch and caress my smooth, shaved body sends shivers through my body but I don’t reach climax.

I have collected and worn women’s lingerie in the privacy of my own spaces ever since I was a teen.  By today’s definition, I was a transvetic fetishist for I used this practice for sexual arousal.  The fantasies I created to go with “dressing up”, as I called it, was to believe I was being  forcibly seduced by a man.  The image I held originated from a James Bond movie “Goldfinger” where James Bond throws Pussy Galore on a pile of hay and, climbing on top of her, forcibly kisses her.

Since the creation of that sexual fantasy, I have never been able to enjoy sex with women, even my own wife, unless I was able to create the fantasy that I was being penetrated, not my partner.  I tried to suppress this fantasy over the years but ultimately I failed to do so and even though I was married when I was thirty-one years old, I have continued with this secret fantasy to this day, although since emerging as Deanna, my intention for “dressing up” is no longer to reach sexual climax and I have disposed of all the devices I once used to simulate coitus with a man.

Another aspect of the practice of “dressing up” has to do with invoking the sexual energy of the feminine side of myself.  I realized as an artist that my creative abilities seemed to come from my feminine side.  I also realized the my feminine side gave me fantastic energy that was not present when I was grounded in my masculine side.

Whenever I wanted to clean or do other projects around the house, including my art, I would wait until I had the house to myself and then “dress up”.  It was totally amazing what I could accomplish in that state because I could invoke the power of an eagle instead of the slow and steady state of a turtle, my favorite animal since childhood.

It is so great to be able to “dress up” all the time now except that I still must wait to have the house to myself to prance around only in my undies.  And now that the work is done and this post is complete, I think it’s time to go shopping for more satiny underwear.  After all, a girl can never really have enough, can she?

Advertisements

About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
This entry was posted in Sisterhood and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s