For the last few nights I have been wearing only a satiny camisole and a pair of bikini panties to bed. On the chilly nights, any sensible woman would opt for something warm and fuzzy, but, then again, I’m not exactly a “sensible” woman. The sensual nature of the material and being able to touch and caress my smooth, shaved body sends shivers through my body but I don’t reach climax.
I have collected and worn women’s lingerie in the privacy of my own spaces ever since I was a teen. By today’s definition, I was a transvetic fetishist for I used this practice for sexual arousal. The fantasies I created to go with “dressing up”, as I called it, was to believe I was being forcibly seduced by a man. The image I held originated from a James Bond movie “Goldfinger” where James Bond throws Pussy Galore on a pile of hay and, climbing on top of her, forcibly kisses her.
Since the creation of that sexual fantasy, I have never been able to enjoy sex with women, even my own wife, unless I was able to create the fantasy that I was being penetrated, not my partner. I tried to suppress this fantasy over the years but ultimately I failed to do so and even though I was married when I was thirty-one years old, I have continued with this secret fantasy to this day, although since emerging as Deanna, my intention for “dressing up” is no longer to reach sexual climax and I have disposed of all the devices I once used to simulate coitus with a man.
Another aspect of the practice of “dressing up” has to do with invoking the sexual energy of the feminine side of myself. I realized as an artist that my creative abilities seemed to come from my feminine side. I also realized the my feminine side gave me fantastic energy that was not present when I was grounded in my masculine side.
Whenever I wanted to clean or do other projects around the house, including my art, I would wait until I had the house to myself and then “dress up”. It was totally amazing what I could accomplish in that state because I could invoke the power of an eagle instead of the slow and steady state of a turtle, my favorite animal since childhood.
It is so great to be able to “dress up” all the time now except that I still must wait to have the house to myself to prance around only in my undies. And now that the work is done and this post is complete, I think it’s time to go shopping for more satiny underwear. After all, a girl can never really have enough, can she?