Oh, how I do love mornings

One of the most remarkable differences I’ve noticed in Deanna’s personality is that now I am more a morning person while, as David, I was in abject fear to crawl out of bed before ten or eleven AM.  I still often stay up late into the wee hours, but I believe that as I settle into my new life and way of living, that I will soon be able to develop a much more regular sleep pattern that will allow me to crawl into bed at a much more decent hour to get eight full hours of deep, restful sleep and to wake up early to the dawn of each new day.

The first thing I did this morning was to send an text message to my housemate who is in Tucson for a few days visiting a friend.  What I wrote about was moving into the master bedroom where i have been living since February and not having him raise my rent for a few months and also letting me work off some of my rent with daily household chores until i can find a job.  I have already taken over the master bath so the idea is not a big stretch at all, even for the man with whom I share a house.

Another marvelous difference that I have noticed in this new life is that I want things like I’ve never wanted things before.  In the past, as David,  when I wanted things, I relied almost entirely on “magical thinking”, with never an idea or plan on how I might be able to get them.  Now, when I want things, I also intuitively know how I might actually manifest them and it has opened a whole new world of possibilities like never before.

I have been warned by some that all of the work I have done so far and will be doing over the next months and years to create the life I’ve always wanted can come crashing down on me with an emotional intensity that I won’t be able to handle.  My housemate even warned me that some transgenders who have undergone the gender reassignment surgery have killed themselves afterwards. While it is a sobering thought, I also know that I am not drunk with the excitement that my new life has given me.

One of the greatest things that I have going for me in this endeavor to create an extraordinary new life for myself is that I am not trying to escape from a life that didn’t work for me.  Instead I am moving forward into a life that has endless possibilities instead of endless disappointments.  I can let my emotions play out without trying to control them as I once did as a man.  By letting go and trusting myself, I know I can allow each wrong turn or detour to be seen as simply that, a detour.  Detours are never meant to stop a traveler from reaching his or her destination, they are merely set to direct the traveler around a potentially hazardous situation.

There is a story I once heard about a Zen Buddhist monk who, upon entering the monastery as a neophyte, was invited into the master’s room for an interview.  The master, in absolute silence, proceeded to make some tea and offered the neophyte a cup.  They sat in silence as they sipped their tea and after a while the master finally spoke to inquire if the neophyte was finished with his tea.  When the neophyte answered “Yes”, the master replied “Now wash your cup.”  The story goes on to say that in that moment, the neophyte attained what others had taken endless years of doubt to attain.  In that instant, he attained Nirvana.

I think I’ll make myself a cup of tea.

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About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.
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